#hoo boy ive been drawing this a while

[arthur-lesters-spinal-cord]

Noel Finley, inspired by the Dresden Dolls cover of Pretty in pink

[peacockrulz]

youre so right about narration!! i could go on all day really, its the biggest thing for me that takes a fic from good to great, especially with characters like j- characters with a persona of sorts, characters that lie to themselves or are in denial, or characters with a lot they need to sort through, and j is sort of all three in some capacity. i cannot wait for hostile takeover to update! if you ever decide to try writing a fic id love to give it a read! ive noticed you have a lot of interesting ideas about characters and their dynamics through your fanart, something i think could translate to writing well. you also clearly have an understanding of what makes a fic good- though i know from experience its often easier said than done. still, id love to see you try! this is actually my first time rp-ing canon characters, ever. right now im playing j (thanks hostile takeover) in a discord server, though i might try n soon because i reaaallly struggle with characterizing him. ive been roleplaying my whole life really! i started with roblox warrior cats though... im shuddering with you id kill for more dollxn art from you though. no pressure but you get them it seems. its been a while since i listened to final girl but its definitely their song suggestive lyrics or not i hope they die and go to robo-hell together <3 - juzi anon

*sigh* putting this under a readmore because HOO BOY did I maybe went full analyzer on this one. thanks for your time Juzi Anon <3

I've read alotta fics in my time on the internet and honestly? I don't think I've ever read a fic that hooked me on a character narration quite like Hostile Takeover's J. J's awareness of every part of what shes doing and how shes doing it makes it even more subtle when you realize that despite all of that, she has so little awareness over what she thinks. Like she doesn't question it. Uzi's narration makes a point to show how she censors her own thoughts, she doesn't allow her mind to wander to certain parts of the past, shes completely aware of how some thoughts sound and decides against saying it all together. Meanwhile, J will go on and on about how much better the job would be without V's constant talking back and N's inability to do anything right, and in the same paragraph be constantly thinking about the argument with V, and what got V so messed up to begin with. J is like a rock, a precipice of confidence. But the moments where she doesn't know what to do, (like when she thought she was going to die in that church tower from the rising sun) its almost like she has to put on appearances even in a moment where shes completely panic-ed, that she still somehow has to pretend she knows what shes doing, even with no one around. Its why the fic made me rethink J in general, I've loved J for while but Hostile Takeover was the first time I actually was able to SEE what J could be as a character story. It really puts into perspective how important narration can be in telling a damn good story. (Sorry this became a J paragraph. I could analyze fics for the rest of my life and be happy lol)

Haha maybe one day I'll finally sit down and write. I'm not really the greatest at translating my thoughts to text, for some reason its easier for me to illustrate my feelings about a character then to write it out. The only reason I can draw fanart like that is because I analyze these characters to death lol. Looking at all the angles of two characters and then asking the question of 'what would it take for them to be on friendly terms' is a pass time I indulge it frequently!!!! Thats why I like rarepairs, sometimes they're dynamics are alot more unique than most, even if they're 2 characters that have never once canonically interacted (which is my favorite. Alot more creative thinking with that one yknow?) Still, maybe I'll get to it :O (prolly would practice writing analysis post first. because I always have to stop myself from doing it on other posts XP)

I've also grew up on roleplaying (my brother is into roleplaying and that got me started on it lol) used to roleplay on roblox even before I could read (which. isn't a joke actually. who gives a 5 year old unrestricted internet access???) funnily enough I can't even say I ever completely grew out of it, I still visit alot of roleplay maps on roblox (including WCUE!! never actually roleplayed there but I think its fun to spec) but mainly I used to roleplay on animal-based mmos like FeralHeart in my younger days.

Iffff,,, I could say anything about N's character,,, to hopefully help inspire some ability to write him (and sorry this gets its own paragraph) I would probably say that he is a very self-destructively selfless person, whos never gotten over anything or anyone in his life (I.e when V was in stasis during their time in the manor, N constantly visited her and would draw pictures of the two of them together ((as lizards)) and is kinda implied to have been reading books to her during this time. Even after getting 'digitally lobotomized', while N couldn't exactly remember V as he knew her back then, he still carried that affection he had for her all that time ago. He never stopped caring about V, even when he forgot) while I wouldn't describe N as in anyway 'innocent' or 'naive', N still has a habit of unconditionally caring about pretty much anybody lol. He had like, what, a 27 minute conversation with Uzi? And while it wasn't enough to completely convince him, it still was something that made him hesitate ("I really enjoyed our time together,"). And while I'm here (having mentioned Uzi) I would also say N is a very lonely character, seeing as he was often belittled by his peers (J) or in some cases completely ignored (V, but she had her reasons and thats a different discussion) a funny part of N's character is just how much he IS like Uzi. A person completely isolated by his kind because of how he is, who was never given an explanation as to why, why everyone is so oddly cruel to him. The biggest difference though being that N never fought it, he completely accepted getting knocked around if it meant he could stick around. It took someone else to point out how fucked his situation was to make him think twice about it. Uzi is the type of character to go down kicking screaming and punching(asterisk but thats also a different discussion), and N, despite being in such a similar place to her, isn't that kind of guy. While I wouldn't say N is the type to take everything lying down, there is something to say about just how much he is willing to take before getting angry, yknow? Overall, I think N is a very loving, loyal-to-a-fault, kinda guy, but his compassion for those around him is often times the reason he gets so tunnel-visioned in the first place (i.e causing explosions and throwing rocks and debris everywhere in a mass, angry panic, trying to go save V.) and its why he is so willing to get himself hurt in the first place. ("I really enjoyed our time together, but I can't have you shooting V with that thing.") (Or yknow, cutting his arm off, but thats alot less selfless-ness and alot more self destruction) His patience and understanding is one of his biggest strengths and somehow always the reason he gets hurt. Basically I think he need to go a lil insane as a treat.

((Oh its also good to note that his unconditional love for everyone around him is also the only reason why he has lived this far to begin with (the characters this includes: V, Uzi, AND Cyn.)))

I also think the above, is the reason why I enjoy NxDoll so much. it takes SO MUCH for him to hate someone and yet Doll did the one thing that would make him do it (hurting someone he cares about the most). I just knoooowwww if they saw eachother in that church it would've been ON. That fight would've taken out the whole god damn BUILDING. it would be two people fighting for the exact same fkcing reason!!! REVENGE!!! the horrible chain of trauma contuines with them!!! killing one will only leave the other with what remains!!!! And yet I also see them as two people who would really benefit from being on friendlier terms. Both becasue N's softness is just not something we ever see Doll treated with, and because Doll's avocation for justice might just be the thing N needs to get a god damn backbone for once and earn himself some self-appreciation.

But I also think its more fun when its enemies AND lovers.

They should make eachother worse <3

[overchromatic]

e e l  f r i e n d

[starfeesh]

hi I miss their friendship

[nicoscowboyhat]

PJO/HoO/ToA characters as things me and/or my friends have said

a lot of these are discord messages bc we haven't seen each other in person in a while :( some of the ones at the end are from a notebook i had though where i would write down the funny shit we would say. came in handy lmao

-

Clarisse: i would've been a heavyweight for a cheerleader and thrown some hoes

-

Arrow of Dodona: Thou side bitches art foul for i despise thy hairstyle

-

Octavian: i love how i'm just automatically the misogynist

-

Percy: hey guys i can make my dick invisible

Jason: NO FUCKING WAY

-

Nico: ill fucking kill you. squash you like bug

-

Leo: piper wants a smoothie. a smoothie i shall make

-

Lester: hey besties pro tip: don't make brownies in the microwave

-

Annabeth: ayo ive got like. reverse appendicitis rn tell me some comforting shit 🔫🔫

Percy: you're sec c, don't die

Annabeth: ty

-

Percy: aw shitttt almond butter and jelly on da everything bagel

-

Leo: Vigarous gay sex

Jason: Vigorous is spelled with an O.

Piper: sexo gay vigoroso

-

Meg: don't worry

Lester: i will worry if i so please

-

Will: but i don't think you can kill monkeys

Nico: you can but they put up a pretty good fight

Will:

Nico: oh you mean like legally

-

Ethan: my power went out while i was sleeping

Luke: lmao loser

-

[the gang is arguing about some guy eating white chicken. like literally snow white. not boiled, WHITE]

Clarisse: well the whole point is that it's not raw and the man took a bite and it wasn't

Silena: he died later that week clarisse

-

Percy: foo fighters in algebra what will happen next

-

Octavian: dick an d balls

Reyna: No politics in chat plz!

-

Luke: submerges into the spin cycle

-

Luke: god

Ethan: is always watching

Luke: hope he didn't see me push that elderly woman down the stairs

Ethan: definitely did

Luke: shit

-

Grover: fuck school i just wanna play animal crossing 😡😡 enough of this "physical education" shit i am planting tulips 😡😡😡

-

Connor: i'm going to throw up into someone's mouth like a bird

Travis: as you should king

-

Harley: [holding out a decapitated rubber chicken filled with grape juice] would you like a drink from the chicken chalice?

-

[everyone's name was changed in a discord server]

Nico: why is my name spaghetti i just realized this

Hazel: we're all sketti here

Nico: ah

Nico: i thought it was so you knew who to kill when the italian genocide came around

-

Leo: penis

Piper: sometimes

-

Jason: i have chronic cool guy syndrome

Frank: is it contagious? i'm feeling a cough

-

Reyna: just heard octavian speak day ruined

-

Will: CISHET MAN ALERT 🤢🤢

-

Percy: bro what if we went to japan

Grover: AHAH I WAS EATING CHEESEBALLS WHATS THE CONTEXT??

-

Jason: how's octavian been doing? has he gotten worse?

Reyna: he's pretty much the same. considering driving a semi truck into his house.

-

Percy: yo did u do work?

Annabeth: no but thank u for asking

-

Luke: pillage an empire to assert dominance

-

Nico: Noose?

Will: Nooses are not very hot nico

-

Will: thor got that gay little bridge

-

Annabeth: i'm gonna put my alphabet soup in numerical order

-

Leo: pog to your mother

-

Will: [sends a drawing he made of jar jar binks with kylo ren's outfit + lightsaber that says "meesa finish what youssa started"]

Everyone:

Will: react

Will: react to jar jar

-

Luke: you ever just,,, eat someone on accident

-

Jason: yo gamma your fam still vibin?

Jason, 2 seconds later: that felt gay to type

-

Thalia: crimbo this year is gonna be litty titties

-

Thalia, 12 am on christmas day: merry shitscream my dudes

-

Nico, 10 years old: i have question

Nico: please

Nico: bro

Nico: q,ueshtun

Nico: kweshtin

Nico: i've just one

Nico: query

Nico: pleabse

-

Clarisse: you sound like gay cat in the hat

-

Kayla: BIG BOYS BIG STEPS

-

Meg: words are for CHUMPS

-

Luke: i'm laughing because i ran over a cat yesterday and i can't stop thinking about it

-

Nico: yo titties are gross

-

Frank: please don't spoil cinderella

Leo: she loses her slipper

Frank: does she ever get it back???!?

-

Piper: [surfer voice] fudgecakes, dude

-

Will: i watched star wars in the bathroom... probably tmi but i don't care

-

Coach Hedge: you're trash. i will run you over

-

Lester: please stop singing miss mary mack!

Meg: i hope you get dragged my miss mary mack.

-

Percy: [singing] i wanna be the mayonnaise to your bologna, wanna be the cheese to your macaroni

-

Octavian: i'm above everyone! except, um... triangles. they scare me

-

Luke: my mom asked me what i wanted for dinner and i said "chinese food" and she said "how about olive garden" i said "MAY i SAID CHINESE FOOD"

-

Nico: my mom died [default dance]

-

Connor: the thing is, i didn't ask.

Travis: damn bro that really hurt my feelings

Connor: i'm sorry bro i didn't mean to hurt your feelings

Travis: it's ok i lied

Connor: that's ok i did too

-

Reyna: [clone high JFK voice] bitches be like "i'm the shit" nah you ain't even the fart

-

Lavinia: me having a stroke after inhaling caffeine like it's a tuesday

-

Leo: damn girl, you shit with that ass?

-

Austin: i'm about to eat a rock. hungry like gertie

-

Nico: who is sports? i've never heard of them

Lester: i think it's a band

[yessoupy]

the @imetyouonljpodcast episode this week gave me lots of thoughts and feelings about star wars. more like, reminded me of all my thoughts and feelings around my first fandom. thus, I decided to write my own journey into and throughout star wars fandom, and what it means to me. buckle up, this story spans decades.

my very first memory of anything star wars-related is a yoda puppet that my grandmother had. it had to be from the original run of the movies, because I was maybe 4 in my first memory of it, and i was born in '86. my sisters and I loved it, and one of our cousins was deathly scared of it so we'd chase him around the house with it.

my second memory of star wars was going to the movie store with my dad and sisters and seeing our favorite yoda on the cover of a VHS. "yoda yoda yoda! daddy, it's yoda!!! can we get it?" we were holding up the display cover for return of the jedi. dad said no, we couldn't get that one yet because we had to watch them in order. so we rented a new hope and all I remember was falling asleep while artoo and threepio were trundling across the tatooine desert sands. at five I guess I was too young.

in early 1997 the special editions of the original trilogy were aired in theaters and I was in 4th grade. dad took us to see one of them (I think empire, at some point we'd finally finished a new hope). at school that grading period I sat next to a boy named mark and he noticed I was drawing little x-wing silhouettes on my paper. "you like star wars too?" he asked. when I said yes, he declared that because of my name, he was going to call me skywalker. that's the name on the back of my high school letter jacket.

in fall of 1998 I started the 6th grade and I came home from school one day to a hardbound book my mom had checked out for me from the library. heir to the empire by timothy zahn. mom pointed out where it said on the cover it was a trilogy, and I could get the other books when I finished this one. she hadn't found the young jedi knights series for me. she'd checked out a GROWN-UP star wars book.

in spring of 1999 the phantom menace came out and my parents' friend took me to see it on opening day because neither of them were free and I HAD to go that day. later on that year she took me to a star wars exhibit at the museum of fine arts. that was also the first time I saw a monet and a renoir. the exhibit had costumes (real costumes!!!) from the original trilogy and the newest prequel. I bought a book about the myth of star wars in the museum gift shop.

I read every expanded universe book our local library had, which was a lot. I had a lot to catch up on, too, since heir to the empire had been published in 1992. you never saw me at school without a star wars book. I read while walking in the hallways, even. in 6th grade I read during lunch, since I was in varsity orchestra with 7th and 8th graders and was terribly shy. they'd tell me I should socialize at lunch, not read my books, but... I wanted to read. I had a lot to learn. I have a lot to know.

I was in 7th grade when I read vector prime, the first in the new series. my first class of the day was science, and the boy I had a crush on was in that class. we had DEAR time at the beginning of that class - drop everything and read. not a hardship for me. that day, I read the part of the book where chewbacca was killed. I looked up, astonished. heartbroken. I locked eyes with the boy I liked. he nodded at the book and I showed him the cover. he nodded sympathetically. "they killed chewie," I whispered. he said "I know."

I wrote original characters in star wars fan fiction when I was about 13. I had an internet friend named rachel who lived in brisbane. then there was dave and 'roswell' who gave me ideas for my story. I loved being able to talk about the wide world of star wars with other people. we used aol instant messenger and email. my username in those days had 'skywalker' in it. I am pretty sure we met in an aol chatroom. I didn't find much of use on the official star wars site and I have probably visited it fewer than 10 times since 1999.

I read those books all through middle and high school. they were my christmas presents and my birthday presents. I moved into our family beach house after college. it sounds really nice but I didn't have running water because it was the summer after Ike hit. I would go to the used book store on 23rd street and buy a stack of star wars books and read them while I waiting for calls to interview for a teaching position. weekends I'd go into town to stay at a friend's house and help her with wedding stuff. I'd shower there, too. that's where my new stash of star wars books started, with me catching up on the legacy of the force series I hadn't read in college and then finishing up through the fate of the jedi as those came out. I felt that I had grown up with these characters. I remembered when kyp was just an orphan han rescued, when jacen and jaina were five years old, when corran horn had no wife, no kids, and was just finding out who his family was. I had capital o opinions about what color lightsaber i would have and why (silver; bc corran), I knew the geography of the galaxy and where everyone was from and my favorite planet was dathomir because women ruled it. I knew all of these characters' histories and motivations and the difficult decisions they'd made and had to live with. I loved them.

i never ventured into the online fandom space for star wars, even after I'd found other online fandom spaces, because I didn't feel like there was anything anyone could add to it for me. I was satisfied with all I'd gotten. sure, favorite characters had been killed (after chewie, the one who stung most was Mara, luke's wife), but people die. and in such a long-running series spanning so many years and trillions of miles of space... you come to expect it.

people would ask me ALL THE TIME when the sequels were coming out and I said never. then, disney bought star wars. initially I was excited (tears of joy happy) to have sequels confirmed. my mind raced, imagining a trilogy centered on the events surrounding jacen's descent to the dark side. the original actors would be the right age for that. who could play jacen?

then, the announcement came that the canon was now 'legends' and they wouldn't be taking any of it into account when writing the sequels BUT that didn't mean we wouldn't see old canon favorites. they announced adam driver as the villain and I thought "jacen." I held onto the idea that this knowledge I had, these years of knowing these stories, would still be worth something. that I'd be able to add new information to my mental bookshelves and maps. that my universe would expand further.

the force awakens was a bitter disappointment. I was upset from the crawl, leia's title making it clear to me that she wasn't chief of state, she wasn't the mother to three children, han wasn't her husband, and all of her history I'd grown to love really was gone. what I saw was the older version of a woman I'd met when she was 18 and hadn't seen her since her early twenties. I didn't know her.

I didn't know the galaxy, either. starting with the new jedi order series, a map of the galaxy was included in the front of each book with the planets named so you knew where everything was happening. the new galaxy was bare. it was small and knowable. while the hosnian prime system was destroyed in the movie, I'd never known it, and all the planets I DID know were similarly blasted out of memory. where was dathomir and its fierce warrior witches? if their planets were gone so were their people.

as the movie trudged on, a retelling of a new hope, I kept thinking, "at least let his name be jacen." I hung my hopes on this sith character being han and leia's son and sharing that name of the boy I'd known and the man who'd grown up to turn to the dark side. at that first shout of 'BEN!' I was angry. Ben?? that was the name of LUKE'S son! that was MARA'S child! Ben??? with three letters jacen solo and ben skywalker were also dead to the galaxy.

I know, I know. I should get over it. I AM thankful for poe dameron. the x-wing books were always my favorite. poe was familiar to me the way other new characters weren't. he was part of the new republic navy. I knew what that was. he flew an x-wing. I knew what that was.l and what company manufactured them. he was from yavin IV, I knew where that was and what it looked like. finn was a stormtrooper, yes, but the empire had not stolen children to be raised as stormtroopers. they were recruited like any other position. his story wasn't real to me, it wasn't something I could easily accept. and the idea that the new republic just LET the first order rise? leia's new republic would NEVER. but leia wasn't chief of state in this universe. leia hadn't had that power.

I read a lot of articles about the force awakens and the reactions to it, and never saw myself in any of them. the star wars fanboys whom I'd never known were painted as being angry because their fan knowledge was useless and "boo-hoo poor widdle fanboys" they would be mocked, rightfully. but that's why I was angry, ultimately. everyone I knew and loved was dead. worse, they'd never existed. "what do you think will happen?" some unsuspecting coworker would ask. I'd shrug, but inside I was yelling "who the fuck knows! my favorite characters don't exist anymore. nothing I know as this person you know as SKYWALKER means anything anymore."

it only got worse from there. One day I spent four hours figuring out how far the casino planet was from the drifting ships in the last jedi and doing math to figure out how long it would REALLY take to get there, using old canon star wars physics. I couldn't suspend my disbelief during that movie. everything was wrong. (the other space physics quibble I had was from TFA when poe is using comms while in hyperspace, and dropping out on a command and not... when nav told him to?? you'd fly right through a star!! were they HOVERING in hyperspace? none of it made sense.) I knew too much and too little to enjoy it.

TROS was a narrative mess already retconning new canon and I decided that I would only keep what I liked about the new canon (poe and his family) and pretend the old canon is all there is. one day I'll write the story of poe being part of the storied rogue squadron being sent by leia's new republic to put down the fascist upstarts at the edge of the unknown regions. one day.

one more quick story -- i met my college friend’s three kids for the first time when the oldest was 6. i’d sent a toy lightsaber as a gift when he was born, because i believe every child should get their first lightsaber from a skywalker, and his father had shown him the movies when he turned 4. when i walked into the house i said hello and he said, “i have some questions about star wars.”

we sat on the couch with the tfa visual dictionary, a book he’d gotten out of the library. every question he had was an excellent question, and i couldn’t answer any of them. “why does his lightsaber look like that? and why does he have the extra blades?” 

“well, kiddo, let’s see what it says here about how lightsabers are made. i used to know all about it, but they changed everything on me.”

---

what i love about star wars since disney bought it:

poe dameron, cassian andor (and all of rogue one, i got over the fact that the movie wouldn’t be about rogue squadron it was PERFECT), solo (a fucking DELIGHT), the mandalorian, and i’m sure the cassian andor live action will be amazing and i’ll love it. 

[rosequartzakapinkdiamond]

Everything’s Fine

you know what got me the most about ‘Everything’s Fine’? this scene:

‘I’m a fraud.’

on god, i felt that

when you’re mentally ill, abused, neuro-divergent, or have had anything different in the way you think, you CONSTANTLY feel like you’re masking, like you have to wear this facade to stay included, or loved, or safe, until you’re so far down that hole you don't know how to get out, so you deny its even happening, and you work yourself up inside with all this self-hatred, after all you’re lying to people, and you begin to believe deep down that you’re not good anymore. that you polluted yourself. and so everything in you wants to pretend its not real, and the cyclical facade continues.

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about! I’m fine, awesome in fact! Ah- c’mon, you’ve seen me when I wasn’t doing well. Nothing’s wrong, and besides, I don't want you to worry.’ 

Steven is deflecting, trying to draw attention away from his problems so the others won’t fret about him, because worry leads to scrutiny, which leads to concern, and then he could burst, everything he’s tried to prove, tried to show as true, is all going to shatter. he’s so, so used to being the one who catches the other in a trust fall, he doesn’t know how to lean back himself, so when faking doesn’t work, he immediately tries to remove himself from the situation. 

‘It’s not that easy! You know what, I don’t have to deal with this!’

if he’s not in the room, the atmosphere can’t follow, he can find somewhere safe and far, and calm down, but this doesn't work. its another attempt at deflecting, and neither Pearl, Amethyst or Connie allow it, they know he needs to talk it out before they can help

and so now, the lies begin to come out, and oh god it hurt to watch. ive been exactly where Steven is and hoo boy sucks, because you instantly try to dumb it down as a protection measure, despite how it feels to lie further. throughout the show we’ve seen how much Steven values the Gems’ opinions of him, Connie and Greg too, as early on as ‘Laser Light Cannon’ he’s desperate to show he isn’t a liability. he’s taught himself to not be a problem, to not cause problems, so he can stay included and helpful, and help them get better instead. its just so much easier to focus on other people over yourself. its distracting, it’s comfortable.

‘Hahaa... It wasn’t that important you guys! You’re making a big deal out of nothing! Have I done some thing wrong? Sure! I trashed the house today, I broke an anvil, but what teenager hasn’t? Dad and I had a little disagreement, but that’s practically a rite of passage! I mean, it would be weird if we didn’t, right?’

he’s still looking for their approval, their assurance that it’s not a problem, repercussions can go away, and everything can just go back to normal, but you can see in their faces, they’re angry, and this only spurs on his deflecting, because now he’s faced with rejection, again. so he tries to assure himself that it’s just the everyday teen problems, nothing to make an issue out of, because that’s too raw to think about, I mean, Connie's had disagreements with her parents right, that’s the same?? right?

‘And maybe I’ve had a not-so-nice thought or two, about, like, slamming White Diamond’s head through a pillar, but, but, it’s not like I actually went through with it! Ha, I-- I only actually shattered Jasper!’

and what’s horrible is it’s almost a satisfying feeling at first, technically he succeeded!! he got away with it, and doesn’t that make him smart, or capable of coping, or maybe he’s getting better!!! he could’ve done those horrible things, but its okay! he fixed them, or they weren’t as bad as they sound, or, or, or--

ive done plenty of damaging impulse things thanks to my mental illness and neuro-divergency, and ive had exactly the same script. you try so hard to make it seem like the problem isn't as large because really, you know what you did was bad, or stupid, or dark. but you still did it, you couldn’t just stop yourself. you still made the mistake and now you want to move past it as quick and as painlessly as possible, but doing so puts other things in jeopardy and means telling other people, and that’s scary. you can’t avoid letting people know about your problems, but what Steven’s struggling with is that he’s on a completely different page to the Gems, Connie and Greg. he’s had all this time dwelling on these thoughts-- he’s several chapters in, but they’ve only just picked up the book, so no wonder they’re shocked and horrified to read the blurb. these thoughts of inflicting harm, whether it be or others or otherwise, are dark, so who wouldn’t be shocked?

so Steven immediately deflects again. he pushes himself to sound positive, so desperate for the facade of normality, that it borders on unstable, as he overcompensates for this fear of criticism 

‘Oh! Don’t worry, I fixed that too! I can fix anything! I can just keep messing up and fixing things forever and you’ll never have to think or know about any of it!’

it’s because they had no idea there was anything wrong that cemented this idea in Steven that he had to keep hiding, because what they didn't know couldn’t hurt them, right, and he’s Steven! he fixes things! if you’re always deemed as perfect, any flaw can’t be shown, right? any fall and you’re out, you’re not a crystal gem anymore and you can’t go on missions or hang out with Connie or protect anymore, protect the town, protect the earth, so you hide, and you can go on, self-sabotaging and hiding and stressing, without anyone knowing a thing. 

but you know. you know well, too well, and eventually everything crumbles whether Steven wanted to ever acknowledge it or not. it just became too much for one person to hold.

‘How messed up is that? That I’ve gotten away with this for so long? You have no idea how bad I am!’

what strikes me about this too is ‘gotten away with this’ and ‘you have no idea how bad I am’. cannot tell you how many times ive said these phrases word for word in therapy and i almost screamed at my computer when I heard him say it, because that’s EXACTLY how it feels. you’re acting. the whole time you’re acting in self-preservation because of this all consuming anxiety of failure, and its always in your head and hey, you know its BAD-bad, even if they don’t notice, or ask, because you’re absolutely not going to tell. he already tried, remember, and they brushed him off, so nope, no, their fault.

so now Steven’s faced with actually looking at what exactly he’s done and how no one noticed. how not one of them thought to have this conversation with him before, did they not care? did they not see him? did not one of them wonder why Jasper just appeared suddenly out of their bathroom, at the least? could they not bother to try to reach him?

but it’s not a matter of them not loving him, or seeing him. it’s that they didn’t listen in the right way to understand him. Connie’s speech in the following episode sets it out perfectly 

‘Yes, you hurt him, but this isn’t the time to make this all about you! That is not helping! Maybe Steven would care about how sad you are, because he always puts everyone else’s feelings first, but he can’t do that for you right now, because he needs us this time!’

she acknowledges that they needed to hear Steven, especially when he wasn’t laying out exactly what was wrong, because he didn’t know what was up either (the dude has only been to the doctor once, he doesn’t know what c-ptsd is, let alone anxiety or depression), and because they should, as adults, realise that while their actions and feelings do matter, it cannot be at Steven’s detriment. his venting to Garnet, and to Greg, in ‘Together Forever’ and ‘Mr Universe’ wasn't an opportunity for them to give him advice or lay their own experiences on top, it was a chance for them to really listen to, and really hear, what Steven was telling them he was feeling and then see that as his truth. no ‘you had it better’, no ‘it was inevitable’, all he needed was ‘I hear you, I love you, let’s fix this together’. 

‘We all had Steven when we needed him, but the only person who’s never had Steven, is Steven! So, how can we be there for him now?’

which makes what Steven says next all the more painful, as he’s been holding this role on his shoulders like atlas holds the sky and its breaking him.

‘You think I’m so great, I’m so mature, and I always know what to do, but that's not true! I haven’t learned a thing from my problems. They’ve all just made me worse!’

thus far, Steven’s been taught that every experience is a chance to learn, like in ‘The Test’ (which was another ep that made me go FERAL when i saw it). he’s searching for meaning in all the horrible things that happened to him but sometimes, there is no moral. sometimes things are just that. they’re bad and they hurt you.

‘You think of me as some angel, but I’m not that kid anymore! I’m a fraud. I’m a fraud. I’m a monster!’

when you believe so deeply in yourself that you’re not a good person, it really hurts, especially when the people around you keep reminding you of who you used to be, see the whole of ‘Snow Day’. you feel like a fake, because who exactly are you? who are you without that mask? who is Steven Universe if not the boy who helps? yes, he’s not that kid anymore, but he doesn't want to be this ball of pain either, so what’s left after but to think he’s just ruined? he’s not an angel, he’s not helping anymore, he’s just angry, hurt and lost.

what’s left but a monster?  

[freddiesaysalright]

Peace Like A River Part 8

A Gwilym Lee x Reader Story

Summary: Reader is a stand up comic with a pretty dark past. She has a three new lights in her life: her daughter, Violet; her anonymous correspondent, Dear Friend; and Gwilym Lee.

Word Count: 3.7K

Tag List: @psychosupernatural, @someone-get-a-medic, @bensrhapsody, @deakyclicks, @crazylittlethingcalledobsession, @minigranger, @simmisblog, @assembledherethevolunteers, @lookuptotheskiesandsee, @readinghorn, @riddikuluslypotter, @doingalrightt, @misslolasworld, @lemurian-starship, @ravenedges-lies, @painkiller80, @imgonnabeyourslave, @crazyweirdocalledfriday, @ixchel-9275, @sincerelygmg, @lv-7867, @unicorn-princess-1999, @delilahmay39, @chlobo6, @dragon-out-of-water, @radio-hoo-ha If you want to be added, let me know!

A/N: oof y’all this is a big one

Part I  Part II  Part III  Part IV  Part V  Part VI  Part VII

Part 8 here we go!!!

“I want to meet my daughter.”

“No,” you said instinctively. 

“Don’t be so quick to decide,” Henry said. “After all-”

“No,” you repeated, firmer this time.

He sighed, but you detected sarcasm behind it. “Alright then. Guess I’ll just have one with Stacy.”

“Stacy doesn’t want kids,” you said.

“Ha!” he shot back. “You said the same thing, I still put one in you.” 

You bit your lip and squeezed Gwilym’s hand. He looked at the phone as if it were gum he’d scraped off his shoes.

“That’s not fair,” you said. 

“The world ain’t fair, Y/N,” he said with so much condescension you thought your head might explode. “But the way I see it, you’ve got two choices: bring the girl to meet me and you can be right there with her or I stay with Stacy and you’ll just have to imagine - or perhaps remember - what will happen to her.”

A tear rolled down your cheek. 

“You are such an asshole,” you said shakily. “Why do you even want to meet her? You signed away -”

“I didn’t do that by choice and you know it,” he cut across you. “It was part of our deal. Well, I’m striking a new deal.”

You clapped your hand over your mouth to muffle the sob threatening to escape. You looked at Gwilym and his heart nearly broke at your helplessness. He pressed his lips to the back of your hand. 

“When would we even be able to do this?” you returned. “I’m on tour right now.”

Gwilym shot you a horrified look that you were actually considering this.

“I know your last show is back in New York,” he said. “That’s when I want to meet her.”

“I need to think about this,” you said. 

“You’ve got twenty-four hours,” he said. “Or I’m asking Stacy to marry me.”

“Are fucking kidding me?!” you cried. “You’d stoop that low just to spite me?!”

“You’re damn right I would!” he yelled back. “You think you’re so high and mighty now that you’re famous, but don’t you ever forget who you really are - just another bitc-”

You hung up on him once again. You looked over at Gwilym as your mouth began to tremble with the emotions flooding to the surface.

“What am I going to do?” you whimpered. 

“Say no,” he said. “You can’t let him use Stacy against you.”

“Don’t you see?” you said. “He’s made whatever happens to Stacy my fault. Because I could have done something. He’s put this on me!”

“What he does to Stacy is his fault - his choice,” he argued. “It’s nobody else’s.”

“I can’t let him do what he did to me to someone else,” you said. “I can’t.”

“You can’t protect everyone, Y/N,” he reminded you.

“You’re right,” you said quietly as more tears spilled out. “Turns out, I can’t even protect my own daughter.”

“Yes, you can,” he protested. “You don’t have to do this.”

“Yes, I do,” you returned. 

“Y/N…”

“I know,” you said. “But it’s just one time and then we never have to see him again.”

Gwilym scooted closer to you and took your face in his hands.

“Y/N, please,” he said. “Please don’t do this.”

“He’s given me no other choice,” you said, pulling away from him. “And I’ll be right there with her. I’ll meet him in public, so he can’t start anything, and -”

“Hold on, are you saying you’re going alone?” he wondered.

“Well, yeah,” you said, blinking at him.

“Oh, no you’re not,” he said. “When’s your last day of tour?”

You told him.

“I’ll be in New York with the boys then,” he said. “I’m going with you.”

“No!” you cried, eyes going wide and grabbing his hands again. “No, I don’t want him to hurt you!”

He smiled at you. “He won’t, love. And I’ll think he’ll be even less inclined to try something with you if you have a man with you.”

You considered this. You really hated to bring anyone around Henry, much less the two most precious people in your life. Fear clawed at your heart. Henry almost always carried his gun and a knife on him. If anything happened, you could lose everything.

“I’ll negotiate some terms for this meeting,” you said. “Are you sure about this?”

“I cannot let you go alone,” he assured you. “I will not.”

“Thank you,” you whispered.

You leaned towards him and rested your forehead against his. You held your face between his hands, wiping some fresh tears away with his thumb. You wondered how things had gotten so heavy. It was not quite so much of a burden with Gwilym to help.

A gasp left your mouth when you opened your eyes and saw the time on his watch. 

“Gwilym, you’ve got to go,” you said. “Your interview.”

He glanced at the time and saw it too. “Damn. I’ll come straight back, after.”

“Don’t worry about that, I have a show tonight,” you said. “Spend some time with the guys. I can handle this.”

“Alright, love,” he agreed, kissing your forehead. “I’ll see you later.”

“See you later,” you returned.

He finally parted from you, leaving your skin itching for his return. He said a quick goodbye to Violet as well and then was gone. When the door closed behind him, you reached into the desk drawer to read his latest letter.

It was much the same as the others. A brief update on his emotional well-being, something about another book he’d read. He also mentioned you and something you’d said that stuck with him. He told Dear Friend how much she would like you. You chuckled to yourself. When you reached the end of the letter, it hit you. This was the first one since the first admission of love that he had not written “I love you.” Your brow furrowed. Had his feelings actually changed? 

You began to write a response, but you were having a difficult time. So much was on your mind now. Henry, Stacy, Gwilym, Violet. The huge web all of you were caught up in. For the first time, you didn’t feel like writing. With a sigh, you abandoned the letter for now and checked your emails. Your manager told you that he’d paid Stacy her final paycheck and they were looking for a new assistant, but since you only had two weeks left of tour, they would probably start when you returned to LA. It was a bit of a nuisance to be on your own, but you could manage.

That night, you let everything go as you got on the stage. It was a welcome relief to disappear behind your jokes once more and engage with a crowd for a while. You didn’t have to think much about Henry or Gwilym or anyone. It was just you and your audience. You could just have fun and laugh. It was nice.

After the show, you called Henry back. You were nervous but he picked up quickly and you told him you would meet him when you were back in New York.

“Some ground rules,” you said.

“I’m listening,” he replied.

“No weapons,” you told him. “Not your gun, not your knife, nothing that could hurt me or Violet.”

“So her name is Violet?” he asked.

“You didn’t know?”

“You never told me a goddamn thing about her, how was I supposed to know?”

“Whatever, do I have your word that you won’t bring any of your usual shit?” you pressed. 

“Fine,” he agreed. “Anything else?”

“This is a one time meeting,” you said firmly. “I am under no obligation to foster a relationship between you and her. If she wants to meet you again she may do so when she is eighteen.”

He sighed. “I’m her father.”

“Speaking of which, you aren’t allowed to tell her who you are,” you snapped. “She doesn’t have a father.”

“Are you serious?!”

“As a heart attack,” you said. “These are my terms.”

“Okay,” he said, but he sounded hesitant. “I won’t tell her.”

“And you will not trick me into this again,” you said. “Your next attempt to contact me will be ignored. My management team will know your name and will screen anything from you or anyone associated with you, including the whole fucking NYPD. Do you understand?”

“You’re getting ridiculous,” he said.

“Do you understand?”

“I understand,” he said irritably. “Fine.”

“Good,” you said. “I’ll text you when and where we can meet close to the date.”

“Whatever,” he said, and hung up.

You heaved a sigh. “This is gonna be a long two weeks.”

You could not have been more wrong. The next two weeks flew by. Normally, you were pretty pumped about the end of a tour, but you were dreading this one. The meeting with Henry loomed ahead like a cave with a wide mouth, but complete darkness inside. 

What made it worse was that you wouldn’t see Gwilym until New York either. You did eventually write back to his letter, but it felt shallow and empty. Completely devoid of any real meaning. But you wanted to send it as quickly as possible. Perhaps the reason he’d stopped saying “I love you” was because he felt the distance, even in the letters. Or perhaps he’d put the distance there himself as he got closer to you outside of them.

It was just after Thanksgiving and you were back in New York. The air was chilly with the threat of winter, but everything looked warm and festive. It was a relief that this would be over soon and you could move on with your holidays, just you and Violet. The draw back was that Gwilym was going back home, and you’d be further from him than you had been since before you reconnected. It broke your heart to think of it.

Gwilym arrived to pick you and Violet up from your room. You were staying in the same hotel this time, but you could hardly be excited about it. Your stomach twisted up in knots as the hour grew closer to confronting your ex-husband. You subconsciously grabbed the scar on your side from your last encounter with him. It felt like that wound was opening again.

“You alright?” Gwilym asked.

“No, honestly,” you replied. “I hate this.”

“I know, love,” he said, pressing a kiss you the top of your head. “It won’t be long. You can do it.”

“Don’t let go of me,” you said, like a little girl asking her dad not to let go of her bike when she’s learning to ride. Only, a lot worse than scrapes and bruises were at risk.

“Mommy, why are we meeting this man?” Violet asked. 

“I used to know him,” you explained. “And it’s important that I talk to him.”

“But you don’t like him?” she wondered.

You shook your head. “No, I don’t.”

“I don’t wanna go,” she whined. “I don’t wanna!”

You wished it was that simple. That you could stamp your foot and say no and get your way. But you couldn’t. Not with his threat against someone you knew. You regretted not talking to Stacy more, but you weren’t sure you could have convinced her to leave him. But if you only opened up to people, then they would know. Guilt washed over you. Had you doomed her by keeping your guard up? You couldn’t think about that now.

“I’m sorry, baby,” you said to her. “But we only have to go once.”

You walked to the park where you were meeting Henry. The beauty of the city in this season was lost on you as your nerves made every shaky step harder and harder to take. If Gwilym and Violet were not holding your hands you were sure you would have collapsed already. 

You came around the corner to the park and you spotted him. He was not very tall, but he was bulky. He’d gained some weight since you last saw him, but you were sure he had not lost any of his old strength. He stood up from the bench he was on when he saw you coming. Every cell on your body was screaming at you to run. To get as far away from him as possible. You stopped walking to take a breath.

“Nearly there, Y/N,” Gwilym said gently. 

You nodded, inhaling deeply again and started forward. Henry was only feet away from you now. The places on your body where he’d done the most damage were lighting up with the memory of his strikes. Your left eye throbbed. The burn on your collarbone grew hot. The cut on your side stung.

“Y/N,” Henry said. 

“Henry,” you returned with a stiff nod.

Violet stood in front of you, but she backed up into your legs, looking warily up at Henry. He looked at Gwilym.

“Who’s this?” he wondered.

“Gwilym Lee,” Gwilym answered.

“What are you, her boyfriend?” Henry asked.

“That’s not your business,” you interjected. “You’re here to talk to Violet.”

“Right,” he said, clearing his throat. He went to kneel down to greet her but you stopped him.

“Hold it,” you said. “Show me your waistband.”

“Come on, I left my gun in the car,” he told you. “My knife too.”

“I’ll believe that when I see it,” you said. “Show me.”

He groaned, rolled his eyes, and then lifted his sweater and undershirt. You found no holster or knife clip. 

“Go ahead,” you said.

He knelt in front of her. “Hi, Violet. My name’s Henry.” He held his hand out to her. “It’s nice to meet you.”

She narrowed her eyes at him and then looked up at you. “The bad man?”

Before you could answer, Henry sprang to his full height. You flinched.

“The bad man?” he repeated, practically spitting at you.

Gwilym wrapped his arm protectively around your shoulders, but you didn’t relax. Violet whimpered beside you and wrapped her arms around your leg. 

“That slipped out,” you said. The familiar need to protect Henry’s feelings and appease him arose in you. “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, you oughta be,” he said. “You’re already setting her up not to like me.”

“Why should she?” you blurted out.

“Hey, watch it with the fuckin’ attitude,” he warned, stepping toward you.

“Is that a threat?” Gwilym challenged, moving to stand between you and Henry.

“Mommy,” Violet said, tugging on your jacket and cutting the quickly growing tension. “I gotta go potty.”

“Okay, sweetie,” you said, taking her hand. “Let’s go find the restroom.”

“There’s a building just down the path,” Henry said, his shoulders relaxing. 

“Okay,” you returned. “We’ll be right back.”

Gwilym watched you disappear with Violet into the building Henry referred to. He felt tense now standing beside your ex-husband, who had caused you so much pain. He didn’t even know half of it, he was sure. Anger was boiling up inside of him, but he wanted to keep a cool head for your sake. You were anxious enough already.

“So, how do you know Y/N?” Henry asked. 

Gwilym blinked at him.

“We used to work together,” he answered shortly.

“So you’re just friends?”

“Sure.”

“And Violet, she likes you?”

“I would think so considering how often she hugs me.”

Henry sighed and toed the ground with his boot, stirring up some dust. “Ah, fuck.”

“What?” wondered Gwilym.

“It’s just shitty how it all worked out,” he said. “I hate this.”

Gwilym was shocked. Had Henry changed?

“If she hadn’t left, we could have been happy,” Henry said.

Gwilym couldn’t hold back any more. “Are you joking? If you hadn’t treated her like a punching bag, maybe she wouldn’t have left!”

“Hey, what the hell do you know?” Henry shot back. 

“Did it make you feel better?” Gwilym cried. “Burning her, slapping her around? Did it make you feel like a man? To force yourself on someone smaller than you and helpless?”

“She earned everything she got!” Henry shouted. “A good woman doesn’t talk shit to her husband!”

“Tell me, what exactly were you doing to be a husband worthy of her respect?”

Henry flared up and glowered at Gwilym. His hands balled into fists, which did not go unnoticed by the latter. 

“Going to hit me?” Gwilym challenged. “Or do you exclusively beat on people who can’t fight back?” 

“Hey, FUCK YOU!” Henry bellowed.

Gwilym laughed in his face. “Raise your voice all you want, Henry. You’re a tiny, pathetic little man, and you don’t scare me.” 

Henry swung at Gwilym who only leaned back to avoid the impact. But the former had put all his weight behind the punch, so missing threw him off balance, and he stumbled. Gwilym took this opportunity to shove Henry several feet back. He caught himself and re-centered, preparing to lunge at Gwilym again. 

You were drying Violet’s hands when you heard Henry curse loudly, and assumed it was directed at Gwilym. A nervous twinge went through you and you gulped. You wondered what had been said and if it was still escalating. 

“Come on, sweetie,” you said, taking Violet’s hand. “Hurry.”

You walked quickly outside, and you saw Henry throw a punch but miss. Then you saw him prepare to strike a second time. You took off running, hurtling toward Gwilym. Violet gave a surprised cry and followed close behind, sprinting beside you at a rate that was impressive, though you couldn’t even process it. You had missile lock on Gwilym as Henry raised his hand. 

“Don’t you TOUCH HIM!” you screamed, casting yourself between the men.

You faced Henry, arms spread in front of Gwilym. You glared fiercely at your ex-husband, surprised at his newfound hesitation. Violet caught up and hid herself behind Gwilym. Your chest heaved as you caught your breath.

Gwilym blinked, shocked at your sudden appearance and your ferocious defense of him. Your need to protect others from Henry’s cruelty became even clearer to him now. Even though you were smaller, weaker, and more afraid, you stood there in front of him, shielding him and your daughter. His admiration for you grew about tenfold. As did his love. 

You waited for Henry to strike. You could not allow him to get to Gwilym and Violet. Your whole heart stood behind you, and you would shield it with your life if you had to. Henry stepped closer, and you brought your hands forward and rammed both fists into his chest. He was so thrown off by it, he fell onto his back. 

“This was a mistake,” you said to Gwilym, but without facing him. You knew better than to turn your back on Henry. “Let’s go.”

Henry rolled onto his side and then scrambled to his feet. 

“Hold on, I’m not finished,” he said. 

“I am,” you retorted. “Deal’s off. Fuck you.”

He opened his mouth to reply, but Violet again interrupted. 

“Daddy, hold me!” she whined. 

You and Henry both whipped around - you terrified, and he hopeful. But then you saw it. She was reaching up for Gwilym, ignoring Henry entirely. She had tears streaming down her cheeks and she was shaking. Your heart ached for her. You knew she must so scared and confused. Gwilym stooped down and lifted her into his arms. She buried her face in his shoulder and let out a sob. 

“It’s alright, love,” he said, rubbing her back. “I’ve got you.”

You turned to Henry. “We’re leaving. Contact me again, and I’ll file harassment charges.”

“This is bullshit,” he said. 

“Get bent,” you returned. 

Gwilym approached. He had Violet on his hip, so he wrapped his free arm around your waist. You turned, feeling more secure now, and the three of you walked way. 

“Y/N!” Henry called. 

You ignored him. 

“Y/N!”

You flipped him off as you walked.

As you headed back to the hotel, Violet relaxed. She was not asking questions, just holding Gwilym around his neck and relying on him for comfort. You took her hand. 

“I love you,” you told her. “I’ll never put you through that again. I’m sorry, Violet.”

“I love you too, Mommy,” she returned. “I’m okay. You’re okay. That’s what matters.”

You smiled at her. Then she closed her eyes and rested on Gwilym. He looked over at you and smirked. 

“You were really amazing back there,” he told you. “I’m so, so proud of you.”

Your heart swelled at his praise. “Thanks!”

When you got back to the hotel, Joe, Ben, and Rami were all there in the lobby, clearly fretting over Gwilym’s return. When they saw him in one piece, they all sighed with relief. 

“How’d it go?” Joe wondered. 

“Fine,” Gwilym assured him. “Y/N set him straight.”

“Good for you,” Rami said, clapping you on the shoulder as you grinned. 

“Hey, would you guys mind taking Violet for a little while?” Gwilym asked.

You shot him a quizzical look. 

“I just want to talk to you,” he said. “Privately. Is that alright?”

“Yeah,” you said with a shrug. “Do you guys mind?”

“Not at all,” Ben answered. 

“What d’you say, Vi?” Gwilym asked her. “Wanna spend some time with your uncles?”

She looked at the three of them, a slow smile spreading across her lips. Joe made a goofy face and did a raspberry at her and she giggled. 

“Yeah!” she agreed. 

“Good girl!” Gwilym said, handing her off to Joe. 

You waved to her as Gwilym led you to the elevator. 

“Wait, are we going to your room?” you wondered. 

He nodded. “Yeah. It’s important.”

Confusion and a jolt of worry went through you. You feared - irrationally - that he was going to tell you this was all too much for him and end your friendship. It had to be about what happened with Henry. Was he going to scold you for trying to protect him? You really had no idea what else it could be. 

When you made it to his room, utterly lost at the purpose of all this, he quickly opened the door and almost pushed you inside. Where had this sudden intensity come from?

The door clicked shut and you looked at him, distressed. 

“Gwil, what’s going -”

He cut you off with a kiss. His lips were hot, needy, and desperate against yours. His mouth swallowed your yelp of surprise. You could fight it no longer. You closed your eyes and kissed him back, wrapping your arms around his neck as you melted into him.

[imnotcameraready]

Enjambment (chivalry au)

A/N: it’s the first not-main-story story!!!! wrote this while tryna figure out how to get from point a to point b, and it doesn’t really fit in with the story’s Flow, so it’s gonna be its own lil part! it’s also got a little bit more character building for the Playwright and the Artist, if anyone wanted that lm a o — they’re good bois, they’re just. really bad at being good bois. 

also i kNOW chapter 11 came out like, last night, but  ,. ., ., .. . ive had this sitting ready for literally a week ., ,. ,..  sorry for bombarding y’all with this au :’’D

WARNINGS: self-deprecation, self-hate, touch starved, threats, cursing/swearing, destruction of property, destruction of art (ewe)

Words: 2085

AO3 link to this story; AO3 link to chivalry’s main plot

MASTERPOST! <-- i dont think this story is understandable without reading the other parts, hence im plugging it so much  ; v; i’m sorry y’all ilu <3 

chivalry taglist: @starlightvirgil​ @forrestwyrm​ @daflangstlairde​ @marshmallow-the-panda​ @askthesnake​ @k9cat​ @patromlogil​

general tag: @jemthebookworm​

hope you enjoy!! <3 <3 <3 

The Playwright didn’t like admitting he was wrong. He often wasn’t. Having the position of an omniscient narrator meant he got to be right a lot, which was one of Roman’s favorite things.

But his argument with the Artist may not have been one of those “right” things. The Playwright leaned on the table, twirling a pencil absentmindedly as he contemplated. He wasn’t entirely wrong, no. The Artist had to keep in mind the safety of the other Sides. If anything happened to any of them, Thomas would be hurt, and Roman would riot. Every bit of him, except for…. The Playwright winced. On the other hand, this in-fighting was exactly what they should be countering. Sure, everyone disagreed and that was the purpose of this dismantling, but the Playwright was above these squabbles. Should be above them, figuratively, because in physical space, he very much was above them.

Apologizing would be the logical thing to do.

He sighed, rubbing his forehead. He didn’t enjoy entering the medieval town, didn’t like going deeper into the Imagination, but it seemed he would traverse there more often.

The sound of a paper flipping caught his attention. His eyes shot open as he looked around the room. No one was there.

But he’d definitely heard movement. The Playwright swallowed down his fear. “Hello?” he called out.

Nothing. None of the costumes had moved, none of the shoes or benches or any of his paperwork.

Wait, no, there was something. The Playwright moved a few scraps to the side and picked up an envelope. This hadn’t been there before.

Cordial invitation of Roman ‘Playwright’ Sanders to the Entry Gala — in celebration of Morality, Logic, Anxiety, and Deceit’s welcome to the Imagination.

The Playwright’s eyes widened. Oh, fuck.

He tore the envelope open and read its contents.

The Artist wept.

He ran his hand along the ruined canvas — ruined by his hand, torn open with his own knife and dirtied with his tears — and pressed it fast to his chest.

Why was he so mean? Why did it hurt so much, for his creations to be picked at like vultures and a carcass? Wasn’t that the point, wasn’t that how artists improved?

Ah, who was he kidding. He wasn’t a real artist at all. Just a name he’d selected when they first started this game.

The Artist was so wrapped up in his lamentations that he didn’t hear the soft sound of paper falling onto the floor beside him.

He shouted again, cradling the broken mess of canvas and wooden frames. All good artists got second opinions. No one was safe from criticism, and there was always room for improvement! He should know this, he DID know that, it was reasonable. But hearing it from the others always made him so anxious—

He sniffed, wiping his face with the paw of his sweatshirt. If he was falling apart this bad, it must mean he was losing this challenge thing. But thinking of anxiety and then, well, Anxiety, Virgil…. the Artist wished he’d gotten to meet the two, too. Like every other bit, he did love them.

The sound of debris being scattered, then a surprised yelp. The Artist sighed, curling up tighter. God fucking damnit.

“What—I’ve—Artist?!” the Playwright asked.

The Artist was sat against the wall, cradling a bundle of broken paintings to his chest, previously white sweater dirtied with layers upon layers of paint. All around him, every painting that has previously been neatly stacked in the room was torn to shreds. Broken pieces of wood and canvases halved were strewn around the room in piles, or one thick pile, with only a small circle of ground around the Artist. Sketchbooks were torn, even the drawing tablet was — okay, the Playwright wasn’t going to look at that and think of the physical monetary price, because none of this was real. Holy shit, the Artist had put a hole into the wall of his house. There was a hole? He’d punched a hole into the wall? Good heavens.

The Playwright, in an effort to not damage any of his art, accidentally appeared on top of one of the piles. He fell over, landing on his butt amongst the shreds, and looked around wildly.

“What happened?” he asked once he caught sight of the Artist’s frozen figure in the corner, still since he arrived, “Did Dragon—”

“They weren’t good enough, so I tore them up,” the Artist whispered into his own folded arms.

The Playwright’s brow pinched in worry. That had happened only a few times before, where a single work had been so terrible that the Artist ripped it to shreds in anger, but he’d never done….this. And he especially wouldn’t have done this, since he had numerous pieces he wanted to show the other Sides.

He drew in a breath as his mind filled in the gap.

“Oh, Artist, what did they say?” the Playwright whispered, pushing himself up and slowly making his way closer.

“Nothing. Get away.”

He grit his teeth. The Artist was going to be difficult, wasn’t he? Now, now, it wasn’t a good time to lose his temper. He came with a job to do, and he wasn’t cruel enough to leave the Artist to be upset alone. And he needed his help. This was purely logical.

He wanted to laugh. Being logical was so taxing; how did Logan do it all the time?

“Artist. I’m not leaving,” the Playwright sat in front of him, “I take it that Logic and Morality didn’t take well to your paintings?”

He glanced up at the Playwright, quick enough to now show an expression but slow enough that the Playwright caught a glimpse of his tearstained eyes.

“They–They said my art’s unfinished. Logic did.”

The Playwright frowned. “Wait. That’s it?”

The Artist curled up more, and the Playwright gently put a hand on his forearm. “Wait, wait, I didn’t mean it  judgy. I just….that’s something you’ve complained about, too.”

To that, the Artist shot him a small glare. When the Playwright put it like that, then the Artist’s reaction seemed childish. “Yeah, but,” he sighed, “I didn’t want them to say anything about it.”

“Then why didn’t you warn them about it?” the Playwright asked, confused.

“Look, I don’t–I don’t know!” the Artist tossed the painting he was cradling aside and ran his hands through his hair, “It all happened so fast, and Padre was getting mad at me for not letting Child stay here. It—they both got upset at me, and they interrupted my painting, and Padre kept hugging me and it felt weird.”

The Playwright exhaled. He put a mental pin on the hugging thing — a similar thing had happened to him the other day, and he would have to talk to the others about what may be occurring — and then scooted closer again, sitting beside the Artist.

“Seeing as I wasn’t there, I cannot speak to what your argument may have been about. But I know that Logic and Morality wouldn’t have wanted to intentionally harm us.”

“How do you know, Pencil pusher?” the Artist hissed, though his words held an emptiness that betrayed his disbelief.

“Because they wouldn’t. They’re calloused, but they wouldn’t hurt us. Maybe Prince.”

The Artist snorted. “You really hate that guy.”

The Playwright smiled. Good. He cleared his throat and threw up his hands in the Prince’s signature style. “Hoo hoo, look at me, I’m a Disney Prince and I like singing songs and being an idiot!” he said, mockingly emphasizing a mispronunciation of “Disney.”

That got the Artist to laugh, shoving the Playwright gently. “Hey, hey, Disney’s cool! I’ll defend Disney to the death,” he rubbed the back of his neck.

The tension returned, but only slightly. The Playwright didn’t want to push him, but he was a little impatient for the Artist to pull himself together. His feet gently tapped against the ground in a small, familiar tune.

After what seemed like ages, the Artist let out a breath.

“....I did….overreact. A little,” he said. “The knife was too much.”

“A lot. Wait, did you say knife?”

“Yeah. I, um, I lost it a little.” He rubbed the back of his head again, looking up at the Playwright. “Thank you for sitting with me.”

The Playwright smiled. Wonderful. He patted the Artist’s arm comfortingly. “If I cannot comfort myself, then what am I doing?”

They both shared a small chuckle at that. It was easy to forget that they were two parts of a much more cohesive whole.

It was also easy to forget that the Playwright had something else he wanted to ask. He clapped, sitting upright and startling the Artist.

“Sorry,” he put his hands up, eyes blazing with new worry, “I actually came to ask something else — did you get invited to the party?”

The Artist’s brow furrowed. “The….party? No?”

“Oh, come, you must have,” the Playwright looked around.

The same envelope he’d received prior was sitting beside the Artist, on top of some of the ruined paintings. He picked it up and found two more envelopes beneath. “Great Ben Jonson, you got Logic and Morality’s invitations, too,” the Playwright flipped through the three cards and handed the one addressed to the Artist, to the Artist. “You must not have noticed it earlier. I got a letter similar, this morning. From Dragon.”

“From Dragon? Fuck, how’d he find us?” the Artist read the front and flipped it over again, tearing it open.

“I don’t know. Perhaps he just sent it to the location of whoever said Logic’s name last night. I also don’t know how he got backstage to deliver mine,” the Playwright read over his shoulder, “I honestly came here hoping to find the other Sides. We need to warn them.”

“We do? About what?” the Artist shot him a frown, but the Playwright just gestured to the paper, so he read the invitation.

His eyes scanned through it once. His body slowly tense as he realized what was being asked, and he flipped it over, checking all around the letter and the envelope that there wasn’t more.

“This,” the Artist reread the letter once more before lowering it and staring, stricken, at the Playwright, “This is a fucked up joke, right? Like, it’s gotta be a joke. Dragon’s Disney pranking us, without friends.”

“I don’t want to hazard that,” the Playwright stood up and motioned for the Artist to get up, “We need to find the others and warn them. If Logic and Morality’s invitations are here, then they must not know, and it’s a safe bet that if they don’t know, then Anxiety and Deceit don’t know, either.”

The Artist pushed himself up, rolling his sleeves up and wiping his face slowly. “He wouldn’t hurt them,” he mumbled. “Why’s he mentioning Prince, too?”

“I don’t know. And after what he did to Damsel?” The Artist rolled his eyes as the Playwright continued, “I don’t think Dragon would hesitate to hurt them, and he’s using the concept of Prince as bait.”

Goddamnit, he was probably right. The Artist rubbed his eyes and fixed his glasses. “Alright. I just,” God, he was hideous. “Should I change?”

The Playwright squinted. “Have you not left your house since this all started?”

“No,” the Artist looked at him like he was stupid, “Why would I?”

Alright. Alright, this was a predicament. The Playwright blew out a lot of air, eyebrows raising as he tried to figure out, in the most concise way, he could tell the Artist that he wanted to throttle him. His attire was absolutely not correct for the setting that they’d established, and he couldn’t fathom WHY the Artist wanted to parade around a medieval town looking like THAT.

No, you know what? It was fine. Sleep was walking around in a leather jacket, it’s FINE. Perhaps the Playwright was the only one who cared about the sanctity of the setting.

Meanwhile, the Artist looked around and waved his hand. The torn paintings all disappeared, leaving the room empty, looking larger than ever. The hole in the wall faded away, establishing itself as a solid wall once more. He looked down at his outfit and simply wiped it, the paint stains all disappearing as his hand passed over them, revealing a creamy-white color once more.

“That’s good enough,” the Playwright snapped, grabbing a fist of his shirt and tugging him forward, “Come on.”

[scourgefrontiers]

we made it to day 5 of pride wowie !!

today i will talk abt some positive lgbt+ experiences ive had in fandoms..that...i can remember i guess

oh jeez where do i start.  my memory is like super bad so this is difficult LMAO

i guess i could start with..god forbid, hetalia.  that was my first big fandom so i feel like i gotta mention it.  at the time i was into hetalia, i was only just starting to figure myself out. i was still with my first boyfriend and i still id’d as a cis girl.  for a while literally my only tie to the lgbt+ community was how i shipped gay couples thats it. and like im not saying that made me a super great ally but it..introduced me to the concepts i guess?  anyway like.  after i broke up w/ my boyfriend (this was around 2013 i think) i felt more open to exploring myself.  i realized i was trans soon after and started exploring my sexuality as well. i dated my first girl at this time, who i met through hetalia roleplaying (in retrospect not my best decision lmao).  we ended up both realizing we were trans so we started to transition together!  things didnt work out w/ our relationship but it did help me figure out the direction i wanted my identity to go in.  irt fandom, i started playing around with more lgbt+ headcanons, mostly trans ones, and this helped me feel more secure in my identity.

the next big fandom i moved to was danny phantom in 2014.  this one..hoo boy. my identity sort of Became danny phantom at this time lmao. i was in DEEP.  this is when i started going by dan for obvious reasons and i began to question if i was really a guy.  i ended up deciding that i was more nonbinary than a binary trans guy, though i still wanted to go a masculine route with my transition.  i continued my pattern of projecting onto my fav characters and headcanoning them as lgbt+ which again helped me feel more secure and welcomed.  i also met my next partner in this fandom who i’d end up dating for nearly four years afterwards which was rly nice

finally came dragon ball.  this is where i rly started going crazy w/ the projection and headcanons. like everyone is gay or trans in some way. im still Here so idk what else to really say abt this one, but i do wanna address how fu has helped me out with my identity!  this sort of ties into kin stuff but i’ll just talk about the lgbt+ aspect of the identity stuff.  y’all know i project super heavily onto this dude.  well honestly its been a really healthy thing for me? the way i draw him is mostly me projecting my ideal body onto him and how i’d like to look in real life, scars and hips and all.  speaking of the hips, i used to be pretty dysphoric abt  my figure, but since i started using fu to cope with that ive p much gotten rid of those feelings!  its really great tbh.  thank u fu i love u

idk if this was me talking abt positive lgbt+ experiences in fandoms or if it was more of me talking about my lgbt+ journey in fandoms but. whatever. it made a post

[ajabsusbjsbsbanns]

Warning for some mentions of sexual intimacy and also somewhat cp?.. the intimacy is not explicit by any means. however i go into detail on why their art is bad so just keep this in mind.

please consider reading this whole thing before jumping to a conclusion

(and im aware the screenshots above are somewhat out of context. this was going to be short but it isnt now)

hey! a deviantart user by the name of foxdragonlover drew nsfw art of spyro and cynder. there was some backlash and they had this to say. i really dont have nearly enough energy to read through this fucking novel of a post but i skimmed it. now please pay attanetion to these parts of the post.

“When i drew that picture of Spyro and Cynder, it came from a place of love and strong feelings.If someone draws art of those two as adults being more raw and wild, with the intent of just doing that as part of their story, that's normal!I can imagine Cynder growing into the type who is a little domineering in the sack, whilst Spyro would be more submissive and tender/attentive.These thoughts, through development and story when you treat characters as actual characters and not as pieces of meat, is fine.”

what theyre saying i that as long as they fleshed out the characters and dont just see them as moving pixels on a screen they have a right to draw porn of it because it’s “development”.

now please keep in mind that it has been said spyro in the original games is 12 years old. 

now although this doesnt tell us much. spyro is a child. he looks nothing like the other dragons in the game. hes closer in looks to the baby dragons in YotD that any of the elders. not to mention his voice is that of a child-teen. now yes. i understand that this is the original games.

“what about TLOS series you moron” you cry.

fear not. i have done some research on that as well.

in the first game of the legend of spyro series spyro is roughly 12 years old.

the wendy promotional toy that was released when the game was first out comes with a small tag that gives some insite into the characters of the TLOS series. 

now feel free to accuse me of editing these pictures. but you’ll see here that they are in fact real.

so what does this tell us? well.. not much i guess. however im not stopping here.

“yea yea spyro is 12. but stupid! he’s only 12 in the first game!”

alright. sure! youre correct in that spyro is 12 for the first game. however he is also twelve for the second. the second game happens almost immediatly after the first. meaning at most spyro is 13 for half of it. along side this, cynder is also the same age as him. same goes for sparx.

“well, but those arent DotD!”

You are correct! They arent! however they give us a clue on how old spyro, cynder and sparx are in the third game!

this comment on a game forum mentions that spyro is 15 in the third game.

“but lolbit you fuggin gnome! some dumb forum doesnt mean anything!”

Once again you are correct! it does not. however the poster on the forum is right. spyro is fifteen as per mentioned in this screenshot of the actual dialogue of the third game.

hunter mention 3 years having passed. which would mean spyro, cynder and sparx are in fact 15. 15 is not an adult. You should not be depicting a minor in sexual situations EVER. you should not be “aging up” a character for nsfw art. and you ESPECIALLY should not be doing this when you are a 23 year old. dont believe me? their Furaffinity account specifies their age here! please be warned there is NSFW art on their account.

now im sure youre asking why im throwing such a fuss over this. well dear reader, fae/fox refuses to awknowledge that they did anything wrong and they continue to argue that “its okay if theyre mature and ive written a story for them”. that of course was paraphrasing. however here is their exact words on the matter. “But when you take young characters that you love inside and out, and develop their lives and their relationships, and mold them into more mature characters (based around the premise of human emotions and sentience), that's normal.Drawing those grown characters doing mature things is normal.Projecting real life stuff onto characters, whether they're canonically only ever shown as children or as adults while working through their story, is normal.There is so much worse to harp on. “

please keep in mind that no where in this paragraph here is it mentioned that the characters are adults. they are stated to be mature. however, maturity does not = age. it means your maturity mentally. spyro is extremelly mature for a 15 year old. he saves the world and handles the fact that he was plucked from his home before he was hatched and was raised by a family that was not his blood family even though he is still a child. a MINOR. cynder handles her corruption and the fact that she was used as a tool for an evil master as well as she can. she’s extremelly mature for her age. but again, she is only 15.

now of course im expecting that legendary comment of

“dumpass. theyre fictional. duhhhh. they aren’t real”

and to you my dear friend I have some links for you to read. i personally would never be able to sum it up in words the way these posts have. here are some links about why fiction does in fact = reality at times.(and thank you to Jade for allowing me to use their blog for these links!)

click here, here, here, and here

now that youre done reading those, im going to analize the post created by fox/fae and discuss some of the points they made.

the first part i analized earlier im going to bring back again for one more talk.

“When i drew that picture of Spyro and Cynder, it came from a place of love and strong feelings.If someone draws art of those two as adults being more raw and wild, with the intent of just doing that as part of their story, that's normal! I can imagine Cynder growing into the type who is a little domineering in the sack, whilst Spyro would be more submissive and tender/attentive.These thoughts, through development and story when you treat characters as actual characters and not as pieces of meat, is fine.”

lets break this apart.

“When i drew that picture of Spyro and Cynder, it came from a place of love and strong feelings.If someone draws art of those two as adults being more raw and wild, with the intent of just doing that as part of their story, that's normal! “.

it does not matter if it came from a place of love. what you’re literally saying is you had strong feelings to draw spyro and cynder having sex. thats the raw of it. and yes. it is normal and okay if you would like to draw two consenting adults in a time of intimacy. however you did not draw two adults. theyre children. minors.

“But when you take young characters that you love inside and out, and develop their lives and their relationships, and mold them into more mature characters (based around the premise of human emotions and sentience), that's normal.“

i already discussed the maturity thing. you have not yet called them adults. you said mature. which more or less translates to “im too scared to admit that i didnt age them up. theyre still minors in the picture”. this is scurting around the problem rather than addressing it. and no im not addressing the next part of the paragraph. no one asked your personal views on how tender and soft a literal minor would be during intercourse. and again. they are minors. the characters are portrayed as humanistic and sentient. and fae/fox agrees on that. that is one thing they are right for.

however. that doesn’t erase all else that they’ve done. next.

“Someone even got mad that i hid the comments and acted like i hid the person who accused me only, but really i hid everyone's comment.Save for one from each of two of my friends, which were not hidden because i found them encouraging/interesting.Those are hidden now, though. I hid my comments, too, and part of me hiding that stuff helps protect 1. the commenter and secondly, i just hate looking at all of that sometimes.I counted and there are 20 hidden comments in my section.There will probably be more later. Do you know how embarrassing that is for me?I genuinely hate drama, but damn if i won't defend myself when i know my truth and someone challenges it. If it weren't for the nice things people said to me, i would just disable comments all together and wipe the slate clean, but i guess this has shown me i value the love i receive more than the hate, even if it leaves a scar on my work -- or even my attitude.”

hoo boy. alright.

“Someone even got mad that i hid the comments and acted like i hid the person who accused me only, but really i hid everyone's comment.Save for one from each of two of my friends, which were not hidden because i found them encouraging/interesting.Those are hidden now, though.”

alright. this is a blatant lie. they have blocked a decent amount of comments but they are lying when they say they only kepts up a few friends. not to mention they say they deleted those after. there are far more comments than 2 from a few friends.

(its scribbled out cause you can actually see the art behind it. which is still nsfw)

“I hid my comments, too, and part of me hiding that stuff helps protect 1. the commenter and secondly, i just hate looking at all of that sometimes.I counted and there are 20 hidden comments in my section.There will probably be more later.”

although yes they did hide some of their comments in order to remove the whole chain its extremelly hard to believe that this is out of a place of safety for the commenter. because they left my comment up and allowed a friend of their to comment on it as well. along side this they blocked me so i couldn’t defend myself either.

and now this isnt me jumping to a conclusion. my comment is from 10 hours ago. thats a lot of time to delete a comment.

“Do you know how embarrassing that is for me?I genuinely hate drama, but damn if i won't defend myself when i know my truth and someone challenges it. If it weren't for the nice things people said to me, i would just disable comments all together and wipe the slate clean, but i guess this has shown me i value the love i receive more than the hate, even if it leaves a scar on my work -- or even my attitude.”

this is a long one but i feel it fits together well enough to analize it all together. but ohhh man. it sure is embarassing to have to hide the comments that are accusing you of drawing CP huh? it really is embarassing? because you hate drama right?. listen. it doesnt matter if its embarassing to you. you drew nsfw art of child characters. and now youre upset that you have to go through and hide the comments of people calling you out for it. do you realize how outlandish that is? and oof. listen. the fact that you wanna “wipe the slate clean” and “disable comments” to hide from the fact that people are calling you out, rather than admitting this and deleting the piece shows that you are quick to hide and shove all of this under the rug rather than addressing it. and as for that last comment. listen... you sticking your fingers in your ears and yelling rather than addressing peoples concerns and listening to their criticism is not you valuing love over hate. its you refusing to awknowledge your misdoings and pretending youve done nothing wrong. thats a horrible mentality to have. and of course this is going to leave a scar on your work. you drew CP and refused to awknowledge it even after people brought it to your attention.

“I know in my heart of hearts what is right and what is wrong, i know what is justifiable and what isn't.I'm not sitting here trying to justify what i drew because i know it's not wrong, but i want it to be known that i am damn sad that someone who said they've "supported me for a few years" suddenly, over one picture they didn't like/didn't understand, chose to accuse me of basically drawing child pornography -- which is a major and very dangerous accusation, by the way, fought me over it, told me to "die mad," and then blocked me . If that were some random troll running by shitting on my art i'd be angry, but after some words i'd just block them and move on.But when a watcher or someone who has enjoyed my work just totally thrashes me or automatically loses faith in/respect for me, it hurts.Yes, it hurts!I'm not made of stone, i'm not used to this level of drama.I hate conflict. It hurts.But i once said i want to go far and wide with my passion, and that's gonna mean taking some low blows along the way.It's just something i have to learn to deal with like an adult.” 

once again im going to go through this and explain why its... oh so wrong.

“I know in my heart of hearts what is right and what is wrong, i know what is justifiable and what isn't.I'm not sitting here trying to justify what i drew because i know it's not wrong “

you telling yourself you did nothing wrong and refusing to awknowledge peoples criticisms of you isnt you knowing in your “heart of hearts” that youre right. its you being ignorant to peoples concerns. and how do you know its not wrong? because you say so? because your friends say so? people have addressed this issue by giving you facts and explanations on why its wrong and you deleted these comments. that isnt right at all.

“but i want it to be known that i am damn sad that someone who said they've "supported me for a few years" suddenly, over one picture they didn't like/didn't understand, chose to accuse me of basically drawing child pornography -- which is a major and very dangerous accusation, by the way, fought me over it, told me to "die mad," and then blocked me . ”

Listen. these people who supported you are sad that you’re defending drawing CP. you arent the victim in this scenario. you have no right to be sad when you actively chose to draw this. it is all your doing that these people have removed their support for you. as have I. these people are not to blame because they are disgusted that you drew something like this. and we are aware this is dangerous and a major accusation. however it is true. what you have drawn, by definitions, is CP. and now i hate to be this person. but you deleted all the comments. so there really isnt proof of this. i hate to pull that card but honestly.. this is the definiton of “pics or it didn’t happen”

“If that were some random troll running by shitting on my art i'd be angry, but after some words i'd just block them and move on.But when a watcher or someone who has enjoyed my work just totally thrashes me or automatically loses faith in/respect for me, it hurts.Yes, it hurts!I'm not made of stone, i'm not used to this level of drama.I hate conflict.”

once again. you’re to blame for this. you are playing a pity card yet you drew ths. the whole “it hurts me too” arguement is null. It doesnt work. you drew the art and chose to defend it. you have no right to be upset when people voiced their concerns about it. and conflict wouldnt arise if you actually listened to peoples concerns about this rather than immediately blocking them and playing the victim card.

“It hurts.But i once said i want to go far and wide with my passion, and that's gonna mean taking some low blows along the way.It's just something i have to learn to deal with like an adult.”

first of all you dont need to get poetic here. you drew CP, got called out for it and then made a post crying about it all. and if your passion is drawing porn of spyro and cynder, children characetrs, then youre not a good person. and if you defending CP is really when youre going to act like an adult then you clearly have the wrong priorities.

“I'm not some perfect martyr out to try and prove i can't do any wrong.Hell those of you who watch my side account have seen my ass a LOT, and you've also seen me try to grow from it when i'm wrong.I should not have given that commenter the gratification of pissing me off so much, but it happened.I didn't exactly blow my top, but it's still something i ought to get a handle on because i know this won't be the last time someone harasses me.”

heres the thing. the only people who can vouch for you here are your followers who are defending your actions here. you can’t use your side account as an excuse of “ive grown as a person” when the account isnt public and no one has access to it other than those who you select to. and on the second part. listen. youre 23. youre over the legal age in the states and i believe everywhere else. youre a grown adult. and if you consider people saying “youre disgusting for drawing CP and defending it” as harassment then you truely do need to grow up. you shouldnt be praised for not freaking out at people for calling you out on this kind of stuff.

“As i told someone else who's barked at me, it would also be hella wrong if one character was an adult and was a child and i aged the child up so they could fuck.I HATE that shit.That to me is wrong and weird, but here they're the same age, as adults. To me, it's not weird.Honest to God the worst/weirdest age thing i ever got swept away by was ZaDr, and i've been thinking about that lately and am considering at some point going back and throwing in head canon and trying to make it better so that it isn't "nasty”. I've gotten smarter and wiser since then.So there's definitely some hypocritical material in my folders, too, and i'll go ahead and admit that.I was younger and stupider at the time, but trust me when i say i never have looked at a child character and thought of them sexually.Ever.It's wrong.”

alright first im going start by saying this is in reference to my comment. now when refering to someone, when youre trying to earn peoples pity and understanding, you shouldnt jump to insult them. i wasn’t barking aat you. i was addressing your behaviour. and now. this is the first spot youve addressed them being “adults” in your art. every other time you mention it you call them mature which is a cop out. its only when you’re finally addressing the exact issue that you start to state how you are depecting them as adults. which, aging up a character for porn is still wrong. (which i will explain a bit better after im done this). and also you arent to be praised for seeing that as wrong. thats a normal response. no one was asking if you see it as wrong. and most people assume that until stated otherwise, this is the norm. most people see that as disgusting.

now you say to you it isnt weird. listen. to you it isnt weird because its your art and you dont like being called out for drawing CP. do you see what im getting at? now also i dont know what you’re talkign about here so i wont address it incase i get the wrong impression and speak out of line, however you say you’ve never looked at a child character sexually. yet you drew cynder and spyro intimately. understand this. aging up a character doesnt mean you look at the character in a more adult light. it means you’re attempting to justify to youself and make yourself feel better and safer on the idea of the character having sex. which. is. wrong.

im not addressing the last two paragraphs on the journal as it is just them praising their followers for praising them, however i will address their comment ont their art piece. 

“ And since apparently some people don't understand this, S/C are 18+ here.If anyone ever assumes i would draw children having sex, i swear to God... “

from what i can tell this was a saveface. they put this comment once they censored the piece. their fA has the piece as well and they dont address the age of the characters. which means that this was just added on to prevent them from the issues being addressed by commenters.

now from what i can tell. their AU doesnt really exist apart from some world building. i couldnt find a long detailed AU where the characters were aged up and lived a life. the only time ive found them mentioning the AU is when they talked about the art piece. whats that mean? it doesnt really exist. not publicly atleast. which means the “AU” could entirely just mean its an excuse to draw porn of the characters. now that last bit sounds like me picking for straws i understand. however it is  very possible. heres a post that explains why its not good to age up characters. (understand that im aware the post is discussing and age gap however it addresses some good points)

heres the post

now if you read it you’ll see this part.  “ aging up is taking two characters who would have an inappropriate relationship in canon, seeing their relationship as romantic, and then aging them up because you want some way for them to be together. and in that way you’re romanticizing a relationship between the two characters you saw in canon, and that’s not okay”. now i want oyu to pay attention to this part. “in that way you’re romanticizing a relationship between the two characters you saw in canon, and that’s not okay.”

you’re taking characters you saw in canon, and changing them to fit your view in a way that the public would deem okay. You’re taking something you saw in canon, in this case two children who seem at the most mildly puppy lovish (like a play ground crush), and you’re manipulating it so that you can view the canon relationship in a less taboo way. like i said earlier, aging up a character doesnt mean you look at the character in a more adult light. it means you’re attempting to justify to youself and make yourself feel better and safer on the idea of the character having sex. aging a character up doesn’t change the way you view them or their relationships. no matter how much you insist you are smarter than most and you really do view the character as an adult, you dont. thats bull.

now onto some smaller stuff that they didnt because wow. iconic i guess..

although i usually block out names this is a gross mentality. the entire comment is disgusting. and at the end “i would love to see some more sexy spyro x cynder from you” solidifies it. not to mention that fae/fox is essentially encouraging it. saying they will continue to draw it. meaning they havent learned anything from this experience. youre 23 dude.

and now some abliesm

“but lolbit you stupid bafoon. they didnt say anything themself. duuuhhh”

yes im aware. here they are saying it themself. 

ahh.. gotta love that... really gotta hammer in that sparkling personality of theirs.

TD;LR foxdragonlover on deviantart, FaeFierceVulpine on furaffinity and  onefiercefox here on tumblr drew cynder and spyro nsfw art (which classifies as CP) and then defended their art all the while blocking people who called them out for it. they claimed it featured 18 plus characters only after they were called out for it. they then made a post about it essentially crying about it and pinning the blame on those who called them out for it. They are a 23 year old. they’ve also said some abliest stuff and have just generally been nasty.

anyway i cant believe i did this. this post is huge and im so sorry. i didnt intend for it to be that big. i wanted to be as detailed as possible and make sure i touched on everything i could. now its 3 am and im tired. if anything looks wrong tell me and i’ll change it. i may address their comment to me later (the comment in the starting pictures). im outa energy

[askguyslikeus]

oh shit yall send lots of questions hoo nelly answering almost all of them under the cut ,,, im gunan try and answer more technical ones first then fun ones and ones about the mod later so u dont gotta scroll all the way to the bottom for the good deets

Hi! I'm still kinda new to the blog and I was wondering what are the 'do and do-not' kind question I should do? Because im sure theres always that one ask thats just Innapropiated, like that one of Michael 'taking advantage og high Jeremy' that was just not cool.  i got this ask a lot so ill be clear with yall. im just not a big angst fan? so sending michael asks about his anxiety nonstop and about how he had a panic attack in the bathroom over and over again wasnt that fun. usually if it pertains the musical though you should be find sending an ask about it? but sometimes i get asks that are like “jeremy ur nothing and how does it feel knowing u fucked everything up” like homie how i think its feels? how u think hes gunna react to that? i made this blog to negate a lot of negativity in my own life so i can promise u im going to be answering asks mostly positive always forever. that being said tho i sometimes get asks pertaining to a few things that ive dealt with in the past and these topics make me very very uncomfortable. dont send asks about these topics please. this is the no no list

-self harm, cancer, suicide, rape, parent death, car accidents, sudden death.

What was your inspiration for this blog? hoo boy well,,, ultimately i thought of them rooming together and got emotional and made a huge list of headcanons and was like ,,, why not run an askblog for a bit ill just abandon it after three asks lets have some fun. but somehow im still here and i got sucked in by the complexity of michael and jeremy. i know that sounds kinda silly but just, as someone who is dealing with a lot of similar things, like dependency issues and abandonment issues and depression and anxiety, having these fun functioning character to explore was such a gift for me. i believe honestly thats why im still here and doing this. being able to try and portray a healthy relationship and a healthy way of coping and growing has helped me a lot this past month and given me an outlet i didnt have before. TBH THO the main reason i made this blog if imma be real with u guys id because i didnt like the treatment of a lot of these issues in the fandom. it made me very upset to see depression used as an plot device and michaels dependency issues treated as romantic so i wanted to make a blog that had little to no angst. ANYWAYS somehow im still here ,,, gvrkjvrnkjfd sorry i rambled

honestly I just wanna say first that I love his blog and your art and you're so cool and kind!! a question would be (I'm not sure if you've answered this before or not) but is there like an on going story here, or is it mostly just answering questions with the characters set in this universe? (if that makes sense I'm sorry!) thank you, you're super awesome! ❤️  djrnjg first off thank u so much aaaa,, ive kind of answered this before but its ok its been a while since then! but um i do kinda have a story but how howdy i sure am dragging my feet. the story isn a hUGE OVERARCHING EPIC OF WOE AND THIS PERSON IS UPSET AND THIS PERSON IS MAD AT THIS PERSON its just michael and jeremy getting together. i have a plan and ive talked to a few people on how i want it to happen but ive gained like ,,,, 6,000 followers since then and im kinda nervous BUT ILL DO MY BEST but also please understand that i do this for fun for myself and if i dont get to it im so so so sorry woops

i know this has been said before but i'm really really happy w how you're handling so many aspects of their characters. i.e. michael being trans, michael and jeremy's anxiety, michael's dependency issues, and other stuff i'm too tired to think of. you made the characters have even more depth than they did in the play and i'm rly grateful for the way you're dealing w my favorite boys. (also your richjake is suuuper adorable) ahhhhhh thank u so much? i talked a bit about this on my main but im really glad people are happy with my decision on this blog because im suPER SUPER NERvous anytime i post an ask dealing with these things. (ask hachi or nate i always message them like freaking out and send them my scripts and asks and wait for them to tell me its ok before i post it omg) also like i talked about before i love,,, having these fun stoner gamer boys to explore these issues with. im honestly shocked by how many people also deal with dependency issues because when i first listened to the musical i was so overwhlemed by the song michael int he bathroom because i had never heard someone basically write “dependency issue: the song” and it felt so so so good to realize i wasnt alone in this pit of despair i fall into so easily aha. but im!! glad everyone is ok with this wild ride im on right now (also thank u so much i struggle writing rich and jake but i get so emotional cause they would TOTES call each other babe)

how come you just use sketch form for most of your drawing (sketches and uses sketch for the final result)? im ,,, not really sure what this is asking but i thnk its along the lines of why do i only sketch my answers?? and i do that because dude do u see how often i post and how lONG some of them are. i made this blog for fun and i love doing comics but i hate lineart and coloring and if i tried to churn out finished pics for every post id defs have given up a few asks in,, shrugs

I want to say I love your little comics they're so funny! How long does it take you to make a comic? Are any of them based on your experiences? Ok have a nice day!  thank you! i love my little comics too! it usually takes me anywhere from an hour to five hours if im dragging my ass or talking on discord while im drawing. it can be kinda exhausting but since i took my break ive also been like, starting long comics one day and finishing them another day which, before i would do it all in one sitting then post it hahha. AS FOR EXPERIENCE the first half of the lifeguard comic was based on real life! we were stuck stoned up there for like an hour or two? but we didnt have anyone to help us but we got down eventually!! the wendys comic is also something i did because man!! i need to compliment food workers if they do a good job!! ummmmm just like jenna i also have a friend that said HAHA BYE and moved to cali and she is also lIVING IT UP and doing really well for herself and shes very independent and shes very inspiring to me! hmm i think thats it besides i used to have movie nights with my dad all the time too except we would watch my fave animated movies and sometimes lord of the rings cause my dad loved that

What kinds of things can we NOT ask ? What kinds of things do you WANT us to ask ? i covered the what not to ask in the first question so!!! um if my askbox is open and u want to respond to previous asks ive answered for the boys that would be so so so rad. sometimes im done with a certain ask and i have nothing to add but sometimes ive got more to say but am looking for an opportunity! that being said it made me really happy that i got a lot of asks about pj? shes not going to the main focus of any more asks but!!! i was nervous to introduce her and im glad u guys like her shes fun to write. but overall just general asks i can make a big ol fun story out of so!! dont worry too much about what to ask, if its something ud ask a real person and not like “lol what if ur dad died” ur gunna be fine probably

Hi! Not a question but your blog is so sweet and refreshing! I actually really appreciate that you refuse angst, that stuff tends to rub me the wrong way in fandoms... Keep taking good care of these boys ! gggg thank u!!! it means a lot to me that a lot of people are backing me up on this! i mean if u are an angst fan there are a lot of askblogs that explore that!! so its not in short supply bmc askblog fandoms got something for everyone

Which drawing program do you use?? i use paint tool sai and my tablet is a cintiq !!

this isn't really related to the faq but that bakunawa boy reference was great I LOVE THAT FIC MAN!!! the line was originally a little diff in that ask but i changed it cause ,,,, i could,,,,

an art style question. how do you keep the design of characters consistent from frame to frame? my characters they look a lil different every time I draw em (or a lot different) and it tends to disrupt the flow of my comics/animations ohh boy hoo wee props for doing animations im too scared to give that a whirl but!! it helps that i draw all the panels for an ask on one canvas! so if my next panel is going to be the same character in the same spot just in a diff pose i keep the lower layer on just at low opacity so i can use it as a ref! that helps me a lot!

Sorry if I'm nosy or rude, but are you reflecting Micheal Anxiety, Panic attacks and depence? iii think this is asking if i reflect my own issues onto them boys? and if so then yes i do. i dont place any of my own personality or anything on the boys but i do use them as a way to help me learn how to cope with my own shit and i try to deal with their issues in the healthiest way possible while also keeping in mind they are flawed individuals aaa

what are your pronouns??? and maybe your main blog??  im a cis girl so she/her is good! and my main is squigglegigs! also that being said IF YOU SEE THE USERNAME SQUIGGLEGIGS ANYWHERE JUST?? ASSUME ITS ME?? i have a twitter and an instagram and my tumblr account 

((Hello mod will Michael and Jeremy eventually someday get together. I love them.)) if all goes according to plan yes! if i get overwhelmed and stop having fun on this blog then no! sorry thems the breaks but! i do want them to get together so HOPEFULLY

going off on that confrience on pornogrefy for birds, Im geussing jeremy has played Hatoful Boyfriend. am I wrong? well it wasnt intended as that ref and i dont know anything about hatoful boyfriend but i can see jerm finding it and playing it so, sure homie! the pornography for birds thing is a my brother my brother and me reference! i love that show and them boys so give it a scope!

I'm crying bcuz Michael said he's in love with Jeremy and it's beautiful yeah that boy is DEEP IN love with his bro bro

Any advice for running an ask blog?? (Ps i love this blog keep it up) personally whats worked for me so far is doing just sketches for art. honestly ive been able to work so much more and post so much more often while also trying to work on my expressions and poses! also taking my own experiences and shaping them to fit the characters has been SO MUCH FUN. th most important thing tho is,,, dont overwork urself dude. if ur having a fun time it shows. if ur just forcing urself to churn out material and its not fun? like shit we doing this for free dont push urself? idk idk overall being looser with my art and writing the dialogue before hand has been the most helpful for me for this askblog! ive run a bunch before including @ask-maz and ive run that sporadically for ,, three or four years? its so funny cause u can see my art style juMP AROUND SO MUCH but i love that blog and i only update it like every other month or so but?? i still like doing it and no on likes those posts but it makes me smile so ANYWAYS

~ok from here on its mostly just me replying to nice messages or people asking me personal questions that dont pertain to askguyslikeus so!!~

I just wanted to say I really really love your blog and just your art in general!! Keep up the good work and hope you're having fun! thank u!!! i am having fun and im glad u enjoy it!!

What other musicals do you like? :0  i really like heathers A LOT. i also like doctor horrible i know thats not technically a musical but i just relistened to it and im emotional. i like dear evan hansen but it makes me really sad so i can only take it in moderation! ummm rent? chicago?? music man? now im just naming musicals i was in rip. being in a musical fandom is a new thing to me? i was really into heathers last year but didnt really interract with the fandom at SO THIS IS SUPER NEW?? ive never been into a musical as much as im into bmc and heathers tho

tell us a little bit about urself!! u seem v cool i am squigs or fork!! im 24 and work fulltime as a barista at starbucks! i get high on the beach with my friend gwen a lot and drink wayy to many slushies, my tv shows are brooklyn nine nine and bobs burgers right now! i table at conventions sometimes and sell my art as merch and whatnot and i cosplay as a hobby as well. im pretty boring but i draw a lot and always carry my big sketchbook with me and im pretty sure its given me back issues BUT OH WELL HAHA also i am very not cool THE TRUTH COMES OUT

Who do you most relate to from bmc and why? like ,,, a mix of michael and christine with a sprinkle of jeremy i guess ahaha i relate to michaels dependency issues and overarching positive attitude and love of music, i relate to christines bright disposition and the need to not stick to one set thing? like she loves theater cause she can be sO MANY PEOPLE and like same homie thats why i cosplay. and jeremys need to be likes while also ability to put himself out there is very relatable. i also identify strongly with his dad issues idk idk whats good

Also -- just thank you for how you handled all the panic attack and anxiety attack asks. I used to deal with anxiety attacks multiple times a day and it just was really nice that it was positive and not them having one. Thank you, sincerely. ahhhhhh ur so welcome i,,, have anxiety and it sucks and i deal with panic attacks like everyday at work so i dont really wanna come home and draw someone having one i guess? im glad its helping other people too tho!

Dude- I love your art? Actually so much? It's... I love it. The whole sketch-ish way your art style is, and the way you color, and the expressions! I'm so glad I found your work - you've given me so much inspiration. Keep doin what you're doin and I hope you have a good day! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ANytime any one compliments my expressions i die cause i legit made this blog to help with that as well ,,, like dam

im lvoe ur art style b o i :0 !!!!!!

Mod, I love you so much I love you you have my soul and my love and my eternal gratitude thank you and I love you (This is the guy who was excited about PJ on your ig live stream a while ago and I love you) !!!!!!!!! im so happy u like my content omg and that u like pj im so glad!! shes a good bean

I just wanna say... I'm crying over that post about Michael and his anxiety? cuz I know how it can feel that you're only your flaws and weaknesses, but Michael just tells that to screw off in the most wonderful way and I'm?? thank you so much for that post, I bookmarked it for future times when I can't look past my depression... honestly, that post made my day (along with every other post on this blog), thank you for being such a lovely part of this fandom ,,,, im,,,, im scared of a lot of this fandom tbh but if i can be something good that come out of it and my love of these boys and desire to show them functioning together in a healthy way can help other people its so much more than i ever thought id ever be able to do. i am blown away everyday by the support ive been given on this blog and i might be crying right now because i never thought id be able to touch other people like this and i just. im really glad yall are here with me for all this.

(To the mod: You are a beautiful person that I highly respect. I love this blog and what you set out to do. thanks for giving something that makes me smile and gives me something to look forward to everyday, keep up the good work! ❤ ) hey im still crying from the previous ask aaaaa im honestly so emotional

what are ur true feelings for wendy's??? i fucking love wendys man thats some top tier fast food right there

what fast food restaurant do you think has the best nuggets WENDYS HANDS DOWN

do you have a favorite movie? paranorman makes me very nostalgic and ive seen it like eighty times and used to watch it with my dad a lot and i love it

I would just like you to know that your Wendy's comic prompted me to pull the same thing with a bakery in the town I'm visiting and the baker got so excited and happy, so thank you for making that comic because I made that woman's day. GOOD GOOD GOOD GOOD GOOD I LOVE WHEN PEOPLE COMPLIMENT ME WHEN IM WORKING DUDE LIKE IM SO GLAD IT MADE U DO THIS!!! IM SMILING REALLY BIG!!

chocolate milk or strawberry milk? or plain? woops i hate milk im so sorry

do u love michael mell with all of ur heart, mod?  i really truly do man what a fucking good ass character

hi squigs i love you! i love your content too and i hope u have a good day pal :>  WHAT A SWEET BEAN!!! THANK YOU?? OMG

I'm just saying that recent ask you did with Michael really hit me hard because I really related to it and I started crying because it made me realize that I've been pining my self worth on everything my anxiety causes and I'm so much more than that. Thank you, so much for that I really needed it because I'm in a really bad place right now. <3 -for the mod i legit cry everytime i get asks or dms like this cause once again the idea that im helping other people is so ovwehelming i love you??? i let myself just be”depressed” for ahwile and by that i mean i just,, let my sadness consume me and i was scared of getting better cause the sadness was all i knew for so long and just. its so easy to think u are ur illness but you are so much more. soooo much more man.

I relate A Lot to Michael so the way you portray him in the blog is really good, and I think it's really awesome you refuse to like?? do terrible stuff and answer bad questions just bc people wanna see that. You run this blog really well 👌  AHHHH THis is the biggest compliment thank u so much ,,, i get real anxious bout this blog soemtiems but then yall send me sweet things like this and its worth it man

Hey mod, just know you're a really cool person. Thanks for running this blog in the first place. Keep doing the great work.  thank you!!!! for ur support!!!! 

not really a question!! i just wanted to say your posts on this blog always brighten my day and you're really an incredible artist and person, keep rockin on my dude!! *clutching my heart* the fuck this is so sweet

1 .I just wanted to say your blog is really awesome! It's very lovely. I also like how you made michael trans and like handled it? (just with how all the characters treat him and stuff its v nice). Your art is super duper! Thanks for running this awesome blog! 2. Hey! This isn't a question but I wanted to say that I appreciate michael being trans!! As a trans boy it's just rly awesome to see something like that casually thrown into an ask blog without making it a huge weird deal :D immm,,, i kinda really love the idea of michael being trans cause a lot of my trans male friends are actually pretty confident in their skin and michael is a very confident character? and u rarely see that with trans representation and its so refreshing to see it portrayed well. im trying to do that here but again if! i do anything wrong let me know!

how did you first get into art? (also i really love your blog, it's amazing!) ive been drawing as long as i remember! ive got mad adhd and wasnt diagnosed until late in ym life so i would just draw nonstop in my classes ahaha i used to read the sunday comics a lot and they really inspired me to try and make comics of my own too!! (and omg thank u) 

someone also asked me if i went to church or was religious but tumblr ate the ask but i used to go to church a lot as a kid but im currently not religious at all aaa

ok holy shit that was a lot but thanks again to everyone i legit cry a lot about how supportive u all are thank u so much aaaa

[incendavery]

gosh, thank you! that is so sweet??? I hope you (and any other of my followers who celebrate!) have/had a very happy Eid!💖 💕

on another note, I’ve finally gotten around to cleaning out my askbox! under the cut is almost every ask I’ve gotten that i haven’t answered in the past.... I’m not sure. it’s been a WHILE though.

as a warning, there’s all sorts of stuff, and it’s all untagged! also also, if you sent one of these asks and want me to remove it, just let me know!

yes!! @fuckaspunk IS super sweet and talented and i AM very lucky to have them! and I’ve heard from reliable sources that the feeling is mutual~~💕

i’m glad my comics make you feel less alone; that’s a rough situation you’re in. i really hope you find yourself in a better environment soon!

thank you!!!💕

thank you for understanding! and yes, aidan is a huge help to me??? even when they’re not answering asks, they’re always supporting me in some way, whether that’s making sure I’ve eaten enough, or talking me through my anxiety, or all the other ways they’re there for me every single day💕💕

ok, my tips are!!:

draw as much as possible! even if it’s just lines and shapes with no meaning, you’re still developing your hand/eye skills

BUT: dont draw if you’re not feeling it! if you’re feeling fried, it’s better to take a break. go on a walk to somewhere scenic, read your favorite book, listen to some new music, hang out with friends, or just take a nap! rest up and find some inspiration! you can come back to your sketchbook when you feel energized again

draw stuff that you like! you’ll improve way faster if you’re passionate about what you’re doing

look at art you like with a critical eye. try to examine the different components and figure out what you think works or doesn’t work. try incorporation those components into your own work

read a lot of tutorials and other resources, but take what they say with a grain of salt

ultimately, remember that the only real rule to drawing is that doing it should make you happy

good luck!! i do my best not to pick, but it’s a real struggle; i have lots of scars from it too. ;v; im cheering for you!!!

ALWAYS!!!! if you do, please show me!! my notifications get real busy, but anyone is welcome to IM me any time!

thank you! i actually get very worried about my style; i tend to admire artists with complex linework and delicate shading, so i often feel my style is far to simple! so thank you!!

that is really high praise????? gosh??!?!?!? best of luck with the next three years; i hope you grow to be someone you like even better than me!

thank you!!

peanut time is the best!! i haven’t gotten to do a proper one in a while though ;-; i’ve mostly been feeding the crows on my way back home from night shifts, when i give them the reject eggs from the continental breakfast.

wow, neat!! chickens are so wonderful; i cont wait until i can have some of my own :>

dont be nervous! i know i can be hard to get ahold of over the internet (bc i get overwhelmed easily) and hard to talk with irl (bc i get so nervous and interacting w ppl doesn’t come naturally to me AT ALL) but honestly i?? love making new friends??!

thank you!!? im thankful every day that someone as radient as aidan is in my life for the long haul

thank you!!!!!!!💕

i completely feel that? its ok to hit rough patches! just do your best!!

i dont remember what i felt bad about but THANK YOU💕💕

honestly its done me worlds of good to share my art?? hearing people talk about how they go through all the same shit i do makes me feel so much less alone, especially on the toughest days! so i guess thank you, and thank you?

youre welcome!!!! :>

huh!! i dont know much about shoegaze (other than thinking abt that post abt the guy who pronounced it like fugazi I THINK ABT THAT EVERY TIME) but thats real neat!! im glad youve found something that works for you!!

hey, neat middle name! and youre very welcome; i hope things have been looking up for you since you sent this?💕

i dont remember when this was from but im currently doing really well with my meds!! i switched to a combination of lexapro in the morning and benadryl in the evening, and its been working super well!✨

thank you??!! ;o; i would love to see all your favorite birds!!

hey, right back atcha!!!

:0

ty!!!

hey. thank YOU

you’re absolutely not bothering me! thank you so much!!

!!!!!!!!!!

hey, nice! im glad you like both me and my music!

gosh thanks?!?!

she is the most beautiful and handsome!!!!!!!!!!!! i love her! thank you from both of us!!!!

aw, gosh! im sure i like you too!!

this was from.... A WHILE AGO.... but youre welcome?? i just wish i could have done more

hey, thank you so much!!!!!

thank YOU and a very very belated merry christmas!!!

that does make sense!! reconciling friendships and crushes is tricky business. the best i can say to you is to be as honest and open with each other as you can

i dont personally get those, but ive heard of people experiencing them as a sideeffect when coming off or switching meds

i think these two are part of the same message? but oh man yeah that sucks when ppl are misgendering you AND hitting on you at the same time. on a different note, ive never heard of using a corset to stim before! neat!

i mean, 1. depression doesn’t care if you have a “””good””” reason and 2. ive literally never met anyone w depression (including myself) who thinks that they do have a “””good””” reason for having it. thats the insidious part of depression, is that it makes you think that theres nothing wrong and that its all just you not measuring up in some way

so i guess that would make you.... someone with depression?

real BAD

💕 💖 💞  💓  💗

not yet haha THANK YOU

hey, im glad you like it!! since this blog has gotten so big, its kinda my happy place to be? (for anyone wondering, my reblog blog/personal is @spinels!

that IS a fun fact!! thank you!

it’s absolutely ok! i get a little bitter when people take my work WAY out of context (for example, straight people removing the caption that says “im just really gay” before tagging their bf/gf) but i am 100% ok and happy with people relating to my work in a different way than i intended (ex: a comic i made about being ashamed of my derma getting reblogged by someone struggling to be ok w their visible burn scars)

hoo gosh, thank you!!

glad to have you here!! im glad people can relate to some of the weirdly specific shit i write about tbh???

i’m sorry its taken so long for me to get back to you; that a terrible situation

if you have a teacher you trust, i would absolutely bring it up to them. that is 100% not an ok thing for those kids to be doing. at all.

im glad you at least have your friends that support you! 

:0 WAIT is this someone i know through ucsc?? :0 :0 :0

HA 

aaaa thank you! that is high praise ;v;

i have no words; this is such a touching message. thank you so much ;v;

this is belated but!! the main creative community i can recommend is kzsc, the radio station! i had a real cool time there, and its a great way to make friends and connect with ppl of all sorts! :0

yeah, its totally normal! ive had roommates ive been super tight with, and roommates who i barely ever hung around with. its natural! i doubt you’ll finish college w/o finding a roomie that you get ~The Roomie Experience~ with though, even if its like a housemate or s/t!! ;0

i’ve never been told that, actually! neat!! (and wow?? i cant believe i inspire ppl.... wow......... what a concept tbh??)

oh yikes... i do hope youre feeling better :( im glad my comics can help a little bit at least!

💕 💖 💞  💓  💗!!!

HUGS

i dont remember what this was in reference to, but good to know?

also good to know!?

i think the crows and jays do! i dunno about the squirrels and other birds. and thank you!!

the youth gang..... i love it..... how good???!

i wrote about getting yuri right here! he’s a southern alligator lizard and i love him to bits. 

heres a pic of the Long Boy doin his thing:

hey neat! i’m glad youve chosen a lame you can be proud of!!💖

ive never heard of that!! wow

what play is this?? :0 :0 :0 im so curious now!!

oh SHUCKS...,,,,,,,,,, ;v;

hahahaha omg thank u

i dont actually have any more of them interacting, unfortunately! the owl isnt one specific person, like a lot of my characters are meant to represent. the owl more represents as a whole all the people i run into in my life that i am very very gay for.

thank you!!!

youre very welcome! im glad you feel better!!!!

aaa gosh thank you!!!

hhhhfgh ive gotten less of it recently BUT YEAH that was bad times™️ 

thanks for the info!!! :0

no problem! a lot of the credit honestly goes to @fuckaspunk, who is always keeping me updated on that sort of stuff.

i didn’t know that! a lot of the symbolism seems to come from multiple sources sometimes, from what ive seen?

aaaa gosh omg thank you ;v;

aw thank you???!!

nice!!! oct 24 bdays go!!!

thank you!! it really does mean a lot actually!!!!!!!

of course?? antisemitism cant be ignored in this fight

aw, thats so cute! id love to hear what headcanons you have tbh???

hey thanks?! this is really cool to hear, tbh. i try to be positive most of the time, but im not going to like,,, kid myself when im not feeling it and im glad that other people can appreciate that too, ya know?

wow!!

(this one!) thank you i love that one too???!

hey, im glad you found your way here!! thank you so much!!!

aaaa ty! 

hmmm i have two leopard geckos, and they made very good beginning lizards for me and aidan! but i would maybe ask someone a bit more experienced than me, like @kaijutegu​ or @wheremyscalesslither​!!

thank you!!

one day at a time! (but seriously, thank you!!)

yummy yummy sauce...... ty!!!

awww, gosh! thank you!?

AAAA TY BOTH I GET SO SELF-CONSCIOUS ABT MY VOICE,,,,, ;o;

:0 i havent watched that, but it sounds rly cool!!

i like that fun fact a lot! ty!!

pae stands for paerlin, which is what @fuckaspunk​‘s internet handle used to be! i used it to refer to them on my blog in secret back when they still didnt know i had a crush on them.... ;//v//;

aaaaa thank you!!!  ;o;

nice nice nice ty!!

>:0 get back down here!! (jk that’s rly neat! highfive!!) 

those are all good words that i like!! thank you!!!!

i dont know anything about him, but i looked him up and i guess i can see it?!

@fishcrow is really cool! ive never really interacted with them, but im p sure were mutuals...? anyway yeah their comics are rly cute and cool!

that is me! thank you; i hope things go well for you as well!

hello to you too!

aaaa ty!!! tbh the number of nice anons i get way way way outnumbers the mean ones <3

thank you! thank YOU for existing!

:0 chocolate croissant, here i come!!!

thank you!!!!!!💕

its literally my pleasure!!!

aaa ty!!! 💕💕

hehe im glad! 

sldf;j;sfjdklfdslfjs thank you so much?????? what a compliment omg gosh

yeah!! i have a hard time on settling what class id be, but i feel like id be a heart player! 

ohh um! im not sure which pens youre referring to, but if you mean the ones I use for my comics, i color them with Winsor & Newton ProMarkers, and I do the lines with a purple fine-point Sakura Gelly Roll Classic pen! i also use micron pens of all different sizes and colors in some of my non-diary comic art!

aww thank you so much!!

:0 :) :0 !!!!!!

ty!!! ive grown to love him very much as well!!

thank you! i hope you are doing well also!!

i love them very much?!! id put a picture but i dont have one with all four of them so instead imagine me lying on the floor crying abt how much i love them bc thats me basically every day

you dont mean......

?!?!?!?!?!?!

awwww ty!!!

HEY WOW

aaa gosh thank you!💕

DOUBLE FOLLOW

gay dragons combine the best of both very good things: gay and dragons. im glad you appreciate them w me tysm ;v;

aaa what a lovely message! ty💕

3rd-shift-working, depression-having, corvid-loving solidarity fistbumnp!!!!

huh! ive never heard of that; ill check it out maybe!!

ah im really glad? tysm!!💕

my understanding is that it helps people who have text-to-speech readers? but im honestly not as well informed on that as i should be! 

hell yeah!!!! 

gosh!!!!!

hnmngnhng youve probably already made a decision but i just gotta say.........shadow rulez

delicious!!

i havent!! i really want to though!

oh man ALL THE TIME. i usually try to either reality check with someone i trust, or to do an activity thats easy and i know i can do, or both!

i love andre and karl!!! its actually a huge influence on me and my art tbh??? 

i had a good (and safe) trip! ty!!!

hey, thank you!!!

oh jeez thats bad :( i think this was in response to when i needed to wait between med refills?

i cant give a precise reason, tbh! when it comes to whats lucky, i just sort of.... go with my gut, ya know?

thank you!! 👍

that sure sounds like insomnia! its almost hard for me to say tbh, bc ive had trouble sleeping for as long as i can remember, so NOT having trouble sleeping is bizarre and unrealistic to me haha... but i think the bottom line is, if its interrupting your daily routine and making it hard for you to have enough energy, then its something you should look into remedies for!

:0 :0 :0

ohhh how nice! ill give it a try! :>

omg,,,, nope, just me!

thank you!!!!!!

honestly? thats such a good way to look at it i love the idea of my blog as a big zine

always!!!!! go for it!!!

hey, thank you so much!!!!!

omg, thats so great! thank you!

im so glad; thank you!!!

thank you so much!💖 (and mexico, neat! i love hearing where people are following from??)

aaaaaaaaaaaa ;//v//; thank you??? i get so happy whenever ppl tell me they like my singing aaaaaaa

aw, hey, no worries! money is all well and good, but in some ways, messages like this mean just as much!

its cool that comic gave you plural feels! im def not a system though :> 

its tricky, isnt it? i still feel like im no good at it lmao

LISTEN,,, there is a 99.9999% chance i wont notice, and a 100% chance i wont judge. reblog away! 

THANK YOU ARENT THEY THE BEST I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

thank you!! i hope you have a good day as well!

aaa ty!!💖

aa ty! (what a cool name!!! im kind jealous ngl!)

awww thank you💖

i do my best! i just worry when im not active, bc i tend to connect my self-worth to my output (;^; )

aaaaa ty!! 💖

!!!!!!!!!!!! omg wow i love being called a pretty boy???? ty???????

hey, neat! crow high-five!

aw, thank you!!! 💖

im doing my best! thank you so much, messages like this really help when im in a place like that tbh ;v;

gosh this is so sweet? thank you so muhc !!?

thank you all!! im sorry that saying thank you over and over sounds so repetitive, but i truely do mean it for every one of you!!!

i am..... one of those things!

well thank you!!

ohoho~✨

thank you! and honestly im sure it does??

hey, cool! good for you!!!!!!! and ty!!

aw gosh thank you!💖

hey, wow! thats super cool; thank you so much!

(i dont follow the first person i followed on tumblr anymore.... they became a hockey blog rip haha)

aaaah, thank you so much!!

almost???

i do!! drunken lullabies is an absolute banger!!!!!!!!!!

i am!!!! thank you!!

aw, ty!!! 💖

hee hee, thank you! 

my biggest tip honestly?? have someone who can be by your side to help you with... basically everything... during your recovery. bc trust me, i was n o t  a v a i l a b l e. i spent a lot of my recovery playing 2048 at the same time as watching tv, bc doing both at once distracted me from how much the bandages itched.

thank you!! (i think this was in reference to getting top surgery!)

how shitty??????? yikes. i hope your supervisor has your back??? bc wow????

hey!!! thank you!!! i draw all my comics traditionally on paper! im not sure what you mean by the writing though? if you mean the word bubbles, i do those by hand on paper too!

I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND THAT FEELING,,,, im so happy ppl talk to me, but i get really nervous about saying the wrong thing. 

when i’m down, i usually crave validation. i like being reminded about things ive done right! i also like gentle reality checks, like, ‘hey: this is the situation, this is what we can do about it. ok? ok’

i unfortunately dont have any!! i had a couple at one point, but they’ve since been lost to the depths of my old laptop. and hey, thank you so much!!

now thats a nifty trick!! im terrible at telling all my white tablets from each other lmao

!!!!!!! ITS ME!!!!!!!!

maybe you just need some space? i know i sometimes temporarily block people i know, if i need some private space or if i dont trust myself to keep cool and solve problems constructively. do what you need to do to feel at ease, and go from there, ya know?

thank you!!!

its,,,, up somewhere above in this monster post lmao i,m so sorry,,,,

thank you so much!!!

WOW NO WORRIES??,,,,,,,,, INCREDIBLE 10/10???????

all four of these came right after i gave myself a hair cut and THANK YOU SO MUCH??? i live for validation and it feels so good to have my actions affirmed ;o;

[elitheradguy]

1,3,4,8 (U fool u complete and utter fool this is only part one of my asks I will shower my friends with aLL the affection tonight I shall over board on this ask meme and learn about ALL the things u like iN ORDER TOO TOO LATER USE YHAT TO MAKE U HAPPIER U COMPLETE AMD UTTER FOOL I HAVE U NOW {ps no no I don't know why I'm turning into a super villain tonight lack of food and sleep probs lol juz tell me if I'm goin over board})~🙀

12,14,15,18,20 (PART TWO of my endeavor to find out Ur WEAKNESSES and EXPLOIT THEM in the name of FRIENDSHIP) ~🙀            

(Omgggg I love you sm??? send me ALL OF THE QUESTIONS- actually that would take a while to do)

1. What was the first fandom you got involved in? 

Homestuck lmao

3. What is the best fandom you’ve ever been involved in? 

Oooo! thats a good question! Maybe Mystic Messenger? or Camp Camp? Ive met a lot of rly good people

4. Do you regret getting involved in any fandoms? 

Hmm.. no, I dont really think I regret getting involved in any? Theyre all things I still enjoy to a degree in certain cases so c:

8. How did you get involved in your latest fandom? 

I watched Camp Camp and then it became a hyperfixation whoops-

12. Who is your current OT3? 

OOOOO. Id say Donut, Caboose and Church from RvB? Im a sucker for pastry train, but I also really like Churboose? and Churchnut is really cute too-

14. Go on, who are your BroTPs? 

Omggg. Uhmm… I really like Neil and Nikki from Camp Camp? Max can get in there too but I rly like their relationship specifically

15. Is there an obscure ship which you love? 

huh… idk if its obscure but I rly like Sargington-

18. What ship have you written the most about? 

Grimmons lmao

20. Any ships which you surprised yourself by liking? 

I think Ill say Sargington again? I didnt expect to like it as much as I do!

Hoo boy this has been fun!! Thanks for the asks friend nobodys ever asked me this many things lmao

Edit: omg I thought you were done I WAS WRONG-

21,23,25,26,28 (sorry if any of these repeat. Now. Only ONE BEFORE MY CONQUEST IS COMPLETE) ~🙀            

21. What was the first fanfic you ever wrote? 

uHm technically it was this self insert tokyo mew mew fanfiction i wrote when I was like, 7-

23. Name a fic you’ve written that you’re especially fond of & explain why you like it. 

Ahh I did that one! :D

25. What’s your most popular fanfic? 

Uhmm.. Oh! Its actually one I wrote while I was really into Dangan Ronpa for naegami called Surprise

26. How do you come up with your fanfic titles? 

I give it a title reminiscent of the main idea (Matchmakers bc the characters were match making, Surprise bc a character gets surprised) and Im always like “Ill change it later” and then I never do

28. If someone were to draw a piece of fanart for your story, which story would it be and what would the picture be of? 

Oooo uhm... I think Id love to see a picture of Grif and Simmons throwing tissues at each other resembling the scene I wrote for Sick Day

31,36,39,41,43,45 (AHA. NOW I HAVE SENT U MANY ASKS. {BUT if it's too many feel free to ignore stuff} AND WILL LEARN HOW TO BE A v good friend too you have a good day and sorry if I am being too Extra tonight tell me and I will back off in a heartbeat.) ~🙀     

(Pffffft youre great friend Ily Have a good day too!)

31. What’s the nicest thing someone has ever said about your writing? 

Oooo uhm.. I remember in Matchmakers someone told me that they really liked my characterization of Church and that I captured his exasperation and it was rly fun to read and that made me rly happy like? It was nice that they were rly specific about what they liked and it made my day

36. What’s your favourite genre to write? 

tbh I cant write anything thats not comedic in some way so Comedy ig?

39. What is you greatest strength as a writer? 

Hmm. thats a good question. A lot of people when theyre complimenting my writing say they like my characterization so maybe that?

41. List and link to 5 fanfics you are currently reading: 

oMg Id love to but?? Im actually not in the middle of reading anything-

43. Is there anyone in your fandom who really inspires you? 

@khakisohn and @camp-camp-hell bc Im Gay

45. What is your all time favourite fanfic? 

Ooo. Oo thats hard. I want to say that one I wrote abt David bc it was so self indulgent and made me happy but I also dont want to be conceited-

There are a lot of rly good fanfics out there tbh? I dont think I have an all time favourite.

Okay, now Im done pfff thanks again friend!! Ily!

[sufferingsapphire-blog]

What did you think of the new bomb? :O

OKAY so tl;dr: much better than sb5. which yeah, is still a pretty low standard, but this bomb had far more interesting elements to it! the first three eps had a season 1 vibe that i really liked, and the last two were pretty engaging as well. that isn’t to say that my sentiments are all praise though. i’ll put an episode-by-episode opinion under the cut!

lion 4: alternate ending: the art and colors were actually really nice in this one! steven and greg were visibly chubby, too, thank god…….and the reappearance of lion. too bad he won’t come back for a while since his voice actor is so expensive :\

this episode would have worked wayyy better as a season one or two episode though. ive heard people say that the point of this episode was to show that you shouldn’t overhype things (i.e., steven overhyping what he was supposed to find given rose’s key only to find out it’s an alternate tape), but it just immediately fell flat when you realized that the tape for “nora” was pretty much a carbon copy of the tape for steven. i felt really sad because it ultimately robbed the emotional value of lion 3′s ending for me. 

lion 3 is the first time we really get to see rose quartz, and she’s shown as this beautiful, all-loving being. and then we get into some darker stuff as the series progresses, learning she kept a bunch of secrets and has done some questionable things. so when we see her again, it would have been really nice to balance that out and have her with some deleted messages for steven, perhaps (like…actual alternate endings)? to sort of show she still genuinely cares about her son instead of making him seem like “just another outcome.”

(annnd this is just me perhaps but GOD that line from greg, “you could be steven or nora or anyone else, you could always change your name” just made my mind scream TRANS GIRL STEVEN but yknow. idk if theyd ever go in that direction but wishful thinking :’) )

doug out: HHHHHHHH i LOVE doug maheswaran so much. what a dork. i kinnnd of felt like the writing in this was…a bit stiff, though. perhaps it was just doug’s va’s delivery?? it felt kind of text-to-speak. but perhaps they were just trying to go for the effect of doug clearly putting on an act to impress connie and steven which i can get! 

only negative things aside from that i can really give for this one is that the art was just…hoo boy. i think you know.

im usually pretty lax on art inconsistencies (which are still valid criticisms since this is an entirely animated show by animation professionals! it’s just not my main beef w/the show), but sweet jesus what the actual fuck i am laughing so hard rn

the good lars: OKAY this is gonna be extremely biased bc i love lars (well, loved his potential, anyhow) and we actually got development from him holy shit. this is probably one of my favorite human-centric episodes of seasons 3 and 4 (it still won’t beat s1/s2 eps like lars and the cool kids andhorror club but it’s definitely a step up from, like…rocknaldo, yknow?

and i’ve known from the start that he was nonwhite (it was confirmed by burnett via tweet back when s2 was still airing), it was nice to have some specification on that! although i really do wish the term “filipino” was actually used in reference to him.

the cool kids were just. they were perfect. and i liked all of the characterization in this episode! steven still felt a little bland personality-wise, but the little things such as lars picking up “bingo bongo” from him and buck thinking it was cool was cute!

are you my dad? + i am my mom: I HATED THAT DRAWING JOKE SO MUCH. garnet just going “uh, i like me” was so ooc. she’s…supposed to be intelligent, right? that was honestly one of the worst garnet lines ive ever heard. and yeah, of course pearl has to be the ultra-talented one who modestly shrugs it off. like god. amethyst was the one who spent time with an artist (vidalia), shouldn’t she be the “artistic one?” it would have been an okay joke (in regards to pearl) if she wasn’t shown having 320840810382110930+ interests and talents prior in the series.

the designs for aquamarine and topaz seemed really bad when we first saw them but i steered clear of that discussion until i actually got a chance to see the two animated and in action. and i was…pleasantly surprised (halfway, at least).

aquamarine’s design was actually really cool in action! and the whole bow turning into a wand thing was cool. topaz still seemed kind of bland to me though. im totally fine with her body type and such but she just…doesnt look visually interesting, you know? like at least lapis had her wings going for her before aqua stole them and owned them better than her

the fight choreographed between aqua + topaz and the cgs was pretty weak, though. it felt like they were just kind of standing there attacking one at a time. and it’s not like the crew isn’t capable of doing better, you know? like the alexandrite vs malachite fight was REALLY good, along with the lapis vs the cgs fight. everyone was fighting simultaneously in the fight in ocean gem which made it so much more interesting! now, theyre just attacking one at a time like what is this?? attack the light or smth?? did garnet’s gauntlet punch use up all of their stars?? idk

BUT GOD I LOVED JAMIE SO MUCH. his lines were gold, esp “no garnet i’ve moved on i swear” that was funny. 

aqua seemed pretty overpowered though. like if you give a gem the ability to move other gems around at their will at least give it limitations, or else the “fight” won’t be interesting at all. or have aqua’s weapon get lost temporarily or something.

i actually thought referencing the “list” given by peridot was pretty clever, but having steven blow it up so much…was a bit too much. like if anything, peridot should have been the one upset over it and i seriously hope we get to see her reaction later on. 

ANYWAYS im actually looking forward to stuck together a LOT! they left lars on the ship for a reason and im interested to see how that’ll pan out. honestly?? thank god they didn’t try to make this bomb another “conflict solved in five episodes” like week of sardonyx.

[empty-devils]

im frustrated

last fall a guy i didnt know was suddenly a part of my normal friend group here in town, met him at RT related events (joel show specifically) and if my friends met him before those i was unaware of it, thats where i met him. real talk i was never super comfortable around him, but he didnt seem like a bad guy, just awkward, and i tried to make myself act naturally around him and not make things weird or awkward but i was still really never comfortable around him fastfoward into the new year, hes a part of our dnd group, we’re hanging out as a group semi-regularly, im still doing my best to not act awkwardly around him and treat him like i do anyone else, its extremely obvious he has a crush on me despite me not at all subtly around thanksgiving expressing that i have zero interest in dating anyone or being in relationships at all atm, (also random uncomfortable things like making plans for me before i even agree to anything and just moving forward with them but like, friend, i dont even keep plans i make myself 90% of the time) BUT... basically i have a depressive episode, post about it here on tumblr, i wake up to DMs from him saying that he “happened” to be on my tumblr at a certain time and saw the posts and had excuses and was reaching out andddd on a hunch i checked my stats page and found that particular hit on my blog, and he’s been checking my tumblr almost hourly for moooooonths, i’d been seeing that hit, but i didnt know what it was and hoo boy it turned my general discomfort into WOW IM SUPER FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE AND NOW DONT FEEL SAFE POSTING ON MY OWN BLOG due to rly bad past experiences and ?? so i made a post vaguely calling out this fact because i didnt want to confront him directly about it, since i wanted things to remain as normal as possible i just wanted him to back the heck off so i get FB messages from him saying that “hes sorry that hes broken” and his “brain gets stuck sometimes” and that he’ll never contact me again and not to tell our mutuals why he suddenly vanishes, and then messages our friends regardless later that day saying to them “ive been unintentionally cyber-stalking mk, im going to go to therapy and get help but i cant hang out with you guys anymore unless MK says its okay” which...holy shit dude, you are putting me in the position of being the bad guy when i am the one whos space was violated and was made super fucking uncomfortable i tell my friends i want things to be chill, i dont want it to be a big deal, we can still all do things, im sorry it escalated like this, i just want him to back off of me, and once he sorts his shit out things can be fine (there was a level of “im gonna be mia while i start therapy” in his messages to them) because i dont want to be the one fucking things up for people?? and theeEEEENNNN allie comes and visits and her first night in town suddenly i hear allie from the living room “uh that guy @’d me” since...she knew.. the situation..since it was a Thing that just happened. and the tweet was along the lines of “starting therapy on monday, too bad this situation means i wont get to meet @ allie while shes in town - i feel like we’d be friends” (or something, it was a chain, and i saw it briefly when allie showed me) and according to other friends had pretty much a tweet chain about how he likes to meet people and collect friends like pokemon? and like...drunk tweeting yes, but holy shit, and still more of this trying to make people feel bad for you when you’re the one who did the thing????? (also he messaged me again in this time frame) so i talked to our mutual friends about it since i didnt really know what to do since i was scared of burning this bridge, but the immediate response i got was “block him” so i did. i blocked him, and i messaged him and explained why i blocked him giving him the benefit of the doubt that he doesnt get that hes being really fucking manipulative in the situation, but like bruh ill put up with a lot of shit and discomfort directed at me, but involving allie made me draw the line (plus after how weird and clingy he got of me it made me really anxious to think of him around allie at all?? even before?? god) and he then texts our friends and is like “so i guess i fucked up even more,” and then told them he wasnt going to be talking to them anymore and to never message him again, so...that..was that.. but of course it wasnt, hes trying to make amends with them it seems, which is fine?? he did nothing to them, but whats getting to me now its one of those friends is messaging my new roommate about it instead of talking to me? and when she expressed “well im not comfortable with him” because..shes..like me..and nervous about dudes and especially nervous about dudes who have pulled shit like this, he was immediately defended and i just???? why cant situations ever actually be over??

im frustrated and stressed out and fully aware that my relationship w my other friends is probably gonna be pretty well damaged if they get back to being friends with him, since im already a homebody and would never be comfortable going out to environments where he is a part of the group and they know that so i just. wont. be included anymore? and that also means mason gets isolated? god i fucking hate this

also he still checks my blog and probably reading all of this too so thats great